The Fear

Every person experiences it at some point. That fear that you are going to totally and completely screw shit up with someone you love. My favoritist blog ever rantsfrommommyland describes it perfectly in terms of being a mom. As a mom of a kid with a chronic health condition I live with that particular version of The Fear on a daily basis. What I’m talking about now though has to do with the Zen Master and how terrified I am every day that I’m going to totally ruin this amazing man.
I am… Well, as I covered already, I am crazy. I am neurotic and anxious and moody and my temper goes from 0 to full on bitch in a matter of seconds. I’m also incredibly insecure and while I know for a fact that the Zen Master loves me with all his heart, I also know that even he must have a breaking point where he decides he just can’t deal with my insanity for one more minute. I dunno if he will ever hit that point, I doubt he thinks he ever will. But there it is, The Fear, poking at me like some evil pokey monster thing. Well damn that metaphor came out sounding less threatening than it did in my head… Now I’m thinking about pokemon with sticks. Crazy, remember? Anyway…
I have a long history of non-relationships. I honestly can’t even really say failed relationships because before the Zen Master, the longest serious dating I ever did lasted SIX MONTHS. And apparently he was cheating on me the whole time. Princess Punk’s bio dad (sperm donor) and I met young and messed around on and off for several years, off times being when he was in juvie for drugs or yes, stealing my car. I was a pretty screwed up teen. When I told him I was pregnant he hung up on me and I didn’t speak to him for months. He’s never been a part of PP’s life and she and I are both better off that way. So basically I’m putting all this out there to contrast how different things are now. I got my life together when I moved up here. I graduated college, got a good job where I excelled, lost a lot of weight, bought a house and actually became a real mother to my child. Not in that exact order I think…
Then I started dating the Zen Master. He is everything I never knew I needed. He’s a lot of those things women say they want, kind, funny, good with kids, etc… But he’s also a whole bunch of things I never even thought about that make him perfect for me. He is patient, quiet and compassionate yet still evil and perverted enough to make me giggle like a teenager while Princess Punk rolls her eyes and makes gagging noises. He’s the most amazing father to a child who has only been his for 10% of her life. And the calm… I don’t call him the Zen Master as a joke. He can literally lower my pulse just by touching me. He can put his hand on my arm while I am completely losing my schmidt with my pre-teen hormonal Princess and I. Will. Calm. Down. Any mother of a pre-teen girl will tell you what an absolute miracle this is. Throw in the pregnancy and bipolar and my husband is Mother Freaking Theresa reincarnated.
Let me relate a brief story to further illustrate my point.
ZM and I had been dating less than a year when the Princess got diagnosed with diabetes. In the beginning it was tough on everybody, shots 4-5 times a day, multiple fingersticks and a whole new brand of The Fear. ZM was over visiting and bedtime came around and I gave PP her nighttime shot. I apparently hit a blood vessel (sadly, the first of many) and I watched horrified as a bruise blossomed on the arm of my beautiful child before my eyes. Oh, it bled too… PP hates to cry in front of other people and I watched her stand there and bite her lip as the tears built up in her eyes. I managed to keep my composure to wipe off the blood, tuck her in and send her to bed with a big hug and a profuse apology. As soon as she shut her door, the Zen Master pulled me into a big bear hug and some switch opened up inside of me and I cried. I cried for over an hour and he held me the whole time and never said a word. I think that’s when I really fell in love with him, not just the short, lusty love I’d experienced before but the real true, this-person-has-become-a-piece-of-me-that-would-physically-hurt-to-take-away love.
And thus… The Fear. I’ve never had this kind of love before. I still don’t believe I deserve it and I am absolutely terrified every single day that I’m going to make this amazing man want to go away. So I get anxious if he’s too quiet, which is most of the time because that’s just how he is. I get scared if he is grumpy because I know it MUST be something I’ve done and I feel terrible when I get mad at him even if it’s justified. I mean he’s amazing but he still doesn’t sort the laundry before he washes it….

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: It’s been a loooong time… « newlifeinvermont

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