Parenting FAIL

Last night during a particularly annoying bout of insomnia I went searching for the Pringles I bought a few days ago. Generally when junk food goes M.I.A. in my house, the first place I look is Princess Punk’s bedroom. I was already annoyed (although I can’t remember why right now) and decided that I was justified in waking her up at 11pm to ask her where my damned Pringles were. So when I stomped out of her room 5 minutes later, Pringles in hand after being retrieved from the bottom of her backpack under all her soccer gear, I figured she’d just go back to sleep. I climbed back into bed, started watching TV and eating my Pringles feeling vindicated. Approximately 15 minutes later, I hear the Princess in her bathroom blowing her nose… LOUDLY… PP has allergies and this is not uncommon but the subsequent sobbing coming from her direction was not what I was expecting to hear next. Still annoyed and expecting The Drama, I stomped on back to her bedroom and found her in bed bawling. PP does not cry very often. She’s one of those people who swallows everything and sits on it until it comes out in one huge festering clusterf*** of a breakdown. This is completely alien to me as I tend to overshare my emotional issues and cry at the drop of a hat. Anyway, after a few pointed questions and swallowing my angry mom voice, she started talking about how I am always yelling at her and how she is not able to talk to me about anything because I always get mad. Now I realize this may sound like your average pre-teen dramatics but here’s the thing… She is totally right. I’ve been a bit (read: completely) self involved lately. I’m phenomenally grumpy all the time and I have pretty much spent the last few months either at work or in bed. I don’t go anywhere and besides making dinner a few nights a week, I rarely even venture out of my bedroom. I’m hiding, from what exactly I’m not sure but I am having a lot of trouble interacting with anyone, especially her. So I am yelling at her a lot and just yelling in general and I’m avoiding her and seem to be perpetually annoyed with her although she hasn’t done anything to really warrant this.

Then she starts talking about her friends. The princess has always had some difficulties in social situations, like her mom, she’s a bit socially awkward but she’s always had at least 1 or 2 friends to hang out with. Lately however, she has been the odd one out and even the girls who had proclaimed to be her BFF’s just a month ago are now pretty much completely ignoring her. I’m not exactly sure if there was some catalyst to bring this about or if it’s just the catty fickleness (is that even a word?) of pre-teen girls. The Princess will turn 12 in 2 weeks and NO ONE is coming to her birthday. They’ve all got “better things to do.” So I stood there with my heart breaking as my beautiful, smart, funny daughter sat in her bed with tears streaming down her face and said in the most desperate voice I have ever heard, “I’m just so LONELY.”

Worst. Mom. Ever.

I’ve been so caught up in my own little world of feeling like crap and wanting to be alone, I have completely ignored the fact that my daughter needs a MOTHER. And the worst part? I know exactly how she feels. Been there. Done that. Always the awkward loner at school, oft ignored, teased and otherwise made miserable by my peers. Sound familiar? I think most adults can relate to that in some way and if you can’t, well… Screw you cuz you were one of the ones making everyone else miserable.

What can you say to that? When you’re 12, no matter how much mom tells you how awesome you are, if your friends ignore you and call you names and are otherwise evil little bitches, that is all you hear. I did my best to comfort her and tried to get it across that although it feels like crap now, people like that don’t matter in the long run.

So. Time to stop hiding and get back to being Mom.

And although I suck for not being there when she needed me, I probably better steer clear of those girls for a few days because the way I’m feeling right now? I don’t think I’d hesitate to square up on those girls for making my babygirl cry.

UPDATE: Princess Punk has been amazingly better the last few days and I think a good portion of Monday night’s complete farking meltdown was related to the text I received Tuesday afternoon;

Hi moma i got my period today 2:04PM

And she has a “new boyfriend”

Is it too early for the Pill?

~sigh~

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