Sometimes I wish I had more control over my brain.

Occasionally I get distracted. Ok. I OFTEN get distracted. If you ever speak to me face to face you may notice that from time to time my eyes will get glassy and unfocused. Please know this is no reflection on you or your scintilating line of conversation, it’s simply my train of thought jumping a track or two. Again.

This is a problem during conversation but often it is much worse when I’m alone with my own thoughts. I will often find myself thinking about something completely off-base and wondering how in the heck I got there. These thoughts are occasionally even disturbing, involving the accidental death or dismemberment of myself or my loved ones. At which point I will spend the next 20 or so minutes trying to figure out how I actually got to the idea that has now made me so uncomfortable I’d like to cry or hide or both.

Here’s an example of my thought train last night while watching a Law and Order episode involving a school shooting.

“Guns are stupid. We really shouldn’t allow people to get guns so easily.”

“They SHOULD blame the gun manufacturer. They should sue them.”

~the next two thoughts were pretty much simultaneous meaning my train of thought didn’t just jump a track, it split into two seperate trains going in two completely different directions, I’ve color coded them so you can follow~

Yes, that IS a Hello Kitty AK-47

“They should still allow people to buy hunting weapons though. Princess Punk wants to learn how to hunt.”

“I should become a victim in a school shooting so I can sue the gun manufacturuer. That way I can make a social statement AND get out of this financial blck hole. WIN. Oh… right, that would mean I’d have to get shot.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about a 12-year-old hunting. I mean, I couldn’t take her.”

“I don’t think the Zen Master would sue the gun company if I died.”

“He’d be so sad if I died” ~this thought makes me tear up a bit~

“She’d have to take a class and stuff and she would have to commit to the idea of actually killing another creature.”

“We really need to get our finances together in case one of us dies. I have no idea where all of our accounts are.”

“We have really got to write out wills and stuff. And deal with the whole Princess Punk custody issue.”

“If I die, Sperm Donor might come and take her away!” ~this thought paralyzes me with fear~

Just look at how cute and defenseless…

“Oh my god, what if she couldn’t go through with it and she just half-assed shot a deer and then cried because she hurt it? Then the deer AND Princess Punk would be in pain!” ~images of Princess Punk dressed in camoflauge weeping over a wounded and writhing Bambi~

Honestly, I have no idea where it went next. I actually don’t think it went anywhere because at that point I think I was so completely disgusted with my own thoughts that I decided to pay attention to Law and Order again.

Yes, I am crazy, thank you for noticing! Wanna ride the thought train with me?

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

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