Things I’ve learned about pregnancy this time around

Since everything in my life is so completely different than when I was pregnant with Princess Punk, I’ve noticed a lot of things that I didn’t notice about being pregnant before. Or maybe I just forgot…

  • The importance of things dropped on the floor is proportionate to how huge your belly is. I actually found myself saying, “Really, I don’t need that 5-dollar bill. Maybe someone who can actually bend over will find it and it’ll make their day.”
  • The first thing you find out when you go ANYWHERE is where the bathroom is. I don’t think I’d ever used the bathroom in the grocery store before…
  • Remarks about the size of your belly are NOT welcome, either big or small. The last thing I want to hear is “Wow, you’re really getting big!” because that just makes me want to kick you in the teeth. Or cry. Or kick you in the teeth and then cry.
  • My Moose at 30 weeks along

    Technology has come a long way. I had a 4D ultrasound Monday and it completely blew my mind. I remember ultrasounds when I was pregnant with the Princess and it was a little white blob that they had to label with arrows so I had some idea what part of the body I was looking at. Now it’s… Well just look!

  • ADHD has NOTHING on pregnancy brain. My attention span has dwindled to about 5% of it’s normal, pre-preggo suckiness. It’s extremely difficult to hold a conversation with a normal adult at this point and actually completing a task? Laughable.
  • Getting up out of bed or off the couch requires assistance and usually takes about 10x as long as it should. Which is generally a problem since you’re usually getting up because of a suddent and urgent need to pee.
  • The act of growing another human being is a complete miracle. And also completely weird. The feeling of having a baby wiggling around in my belly fills me with joy and an incredible sense of alien activity at the same time. While I understand that it is a completely natural process and is a neccesary part of the circle of life, the actual reality of a person growing inside my body and feeding off of the nutrients in my blood is kinda gross.
  • Walking across the room makes you winded. Before pregnancy, I was able to walk briskly up 2 flights of stairs without getting out of breath. At this point in my pregnancy, walking down the hall way at work makes me winded and I avoid stairs as much as possible.
  • Water gives you heartburn. Seriously.
  • Sneezing is dangerous. Can we say urinary incontinence? EW.
  • Hunger becomes a constant and desperate feeling. I swear, I do not think I have ever in my life been so hungry all the time. All day long, all I think about is what I’m going to eat next. I wake up in the middle of the night with stomach pain because I’m so hungry. And the Zen Master and Princess Punk have become guarded about their food because they know damn well that the preggo monster will steal it if given half a chance. It’s a good thing for them I move so slowly.
  • Speaking of which… Slow motion is now normal speed. Everything I do takes longer. I dread walking down the hallway if someone is walking behind me because I end up feeling like the tractor driving on the highway. Except I’m so big now there is no passing me.

    What my closet would look like if I cleared out what DOESN'T fit.

  • Wearing the same outfit 3 times in one week is no longer embarassing. I’ll be damned if I buy more maternity clothes just so I don’t wear the same thing to work on Monday and Wednesday.
  • Other people can see your baby move. Try having a serious conversation with your boss while he is staring at your belly like you’re Sigouney Weaver with an alien about to pop out and eat him.
  • Sleeping on the couch is actually MORE comfortable than the bed. Between my back ache, hip pain and constant heartburn, I have pretty much given up on sleeping in my bed with my furnace husband even though the living room is FREEZING.
  • Arguments over trivial things become common place. I had a fight with The Zen Master over cookies last week. COOKIES.
  • Absolute strangers feel compelled to give you advice. Honestly, what the hell is it about pregnant women that makes people feel like they have the right to; comment on size, due date, sex of the baby; share their own horror stories about labor and delivery. Got my own, thanks, I don’t need yours too and give “expert” advice on breastfeeding, diapering or parenting in general?

    GO AWAY, I DO NOT KNOW YOU NOR DO I CARE ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF CLOTH DIAPERS!

     

Wow… This was a long one… Ah well, I was overdue for a good rant.

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