Anticipation

Yeah because this is EXACTLY what a newborn requires…

At some point in the past week or so I have hit a tipping point in my pregnancy. All of a sudden, all I can think about is this soon to be here baby. I realize I must be extremely annoying to talk to since anything anyone says to me is immediately related to the impending birth of my baby. I am nesting which apparently for me means filling both of my freezers with meat. I’m not exactly sure how this makes us more ready for an infant but some primative caveman part of my brain is insistent that the thing we need more than anything else is a 3 month supply of dead animal in our freezers.

I kinda wish that I nested like a normal person and… you know… cleaned or something. The “nursery”  is full of half-assembled furniture and dog hair, with swatches of paint on the wall because I couldn’t decide which shade of pale yellow I liked best. My baby shower is this saturday, after which I will try to make some sense of the chaos and do an inventory. Make sure we have… you know… Diapers. There is SO much crap to do around the house and at work, just to get ready to out of comission for a few weeks. I know it was a loooooooooong time ago, but I remember, newborn babies are a complete time suck. When you bring the baby home, you spend all of your time taking care of feeding and changing and crying and sleeping. There is no cooking or cleaning or walking the dog or peeing by yourself. I am starting to feel anxious and incredibly unprepared.

Every time I go anywhere or even think about going anywhere I run through the “escape route” in my head if I happen to go into labor while I’m shopping for my freezer full of meat. As someone with major anxiety issues and a need to be in control all the time, the idea of such a huge, life-changing event that I have absolutely no control over is somewhat terrifying. The one thing I learned about childbirth the first time around is that there is no list, no plan, no course of action that will predict how the labor and delivery will start, progress or end up. The only thing you can hope for is a healthy baby at the end of it all and leave the rest to the universe.

And of course at the same time I am ridiculously excited. I am getting all girly and squealy again thinking about seeing my Moose for the first time. I absolutely cannot wait to meet this little person who becomes more and more real with every passing day. I can’t wait to experience childbirth as an adult with some knowledge about my choices and options instead of an ignorant 20 year old who let everyone else run the show. I can’t wait for the Zen Master to hold the Moose for the first time, to see the look on his face, to know that his life is forever tied to mine because we made a whole person together, both figuratively and literally. I can’t wait for Princess Punk to meet her little sister, to hold her and to be true to the amazing big sister I already know she is.

I think that’s why I’m not posting too much lately… I totally have baby on the brain. Everything I talk about, everything I think about, everything I do is revolving around the fact that I am having a baby in just 8 short weeks. Honestly, I’m starting to disgust myself…C’mon Moose, BRING IT ON!

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