Christmas… Eh.

I’m not going to complain.

I had a long weekend off work, had some really great food and got some nice presents.

Because of the epic car problem saga, now on it’s 3rd month running, I ended up staying at my parents’ house for most of the weekend so the Zen Master could use the truck to get to work. This had perks and drawbacks… Perks included a warm house since my parents heat with a wood boiler and don’t have to keep their thermostat in the mid-sixties to save energy. It was a great place for Fairy Dog to run around, my folks are far enough back from the road that I can let him outside without a leash without having to worry about him getting hit by a car… again. Drawbacks… I had to sleep on the couch which I realize I do at home at the moment but my couch is soft and squishy and comfy and their couch is itchy and hard. Spending extra time with my parents… ~sigh~ This is a good and bad thing  guess. By the end of the weekend I was extremely happy to go home. My mom is… great to hang out with 90% of the time but she can be incredibly moody and passively aggressively snipey which drives me nuts. She also tends to relate everything to being bipolar which has a tendency to irritate the crap out of me since that is not a reason or an excuse for her personality, behavior or mood. Obviously it has something to do with it but it is not the end all be all and she puts so much weight on it and all she talks about is how her medications are effecting her, how she can’t be expected to be dependable because she’s bipolar and it kinda pisses me off. It’s not like I don’t struggle with this illness as well, I get what she’s going through but there is more to life than that.

My dad? He’s a whole other story. I honestly don’t even want to talk about Christmas dinner except to say that I busted my ass ALL DAY LONG making it and it was really good but because I snapped at him before dinner he basically didn’t speak to me all night. Even though I apologized. Because HE never gets cranky when he’s hungry… Psssht. One of my major issues is I have always desperately sought approval from my dad and he very rarely gives it out. He said one thing about dinner, that the brussels sprouts were good. The brussels sprouts that took me 5 minutes to toss in a pan and throw in the oven. The goose? nothing except it looked undercooked (I checked the internal temperature in 4 different spots, it wasn’t). The risotto that I spent a half hour stirring on the stove? Nada. The Zen Master had 4 helpings and my mom said it was the best thing I made all day. No he just ate grumpily then left the table without even excusing himself and went back downstairs to his man cave to hide from everyone. Awesome. And because the one thing I seem to need more than anything else in the world is some kind of positive reinforcement from my father, that complete silence during dinner managed to completely kill the entire day for me. Fan-tas-tic.

Princess Punk was rather subdued. Given our extreme lack of funds this year she didn’t get a whole lot of stuff and to make things worse, the present Zen Master got her got its shipping info messed up so we won’t be getting it until Wednesday and the gift i got her (a kinda funky looking reading chair for her room) was broken upon delivery. So she ended up with a hat and some sewing supplies from my mom and a notebook from her godparents. Add to the fact that I made her help me in the kitchen all weekend and I think Princess Punk was feeling pretty cheated. Especially since everybody gave me and Zen Master a lot of stuff for the baby. She spent most of the weekend in her room at my mom’s house reading. She didn’t even want to come hang out and watch TV with me, something she usually jumps at.

And my poor sweet husband. Christmas Eve, he got a flat tire on his way home from work in his dad’s car. Went home to take the truck but since it was 4 degrees outside and the truck has no heat, he couldn’t get the windshield defrosted enough to actually drive it. My dad had to go pick him up so he wouldn’t miss dinner. Dad drove him home after dinner so he could get some kind of sleep before work and he had to take an extension cord outside to put an electric heater in the truck so he would be able to get out in the morning. Christmas day, he came over, ate, opened presents and then went and lay down for a few hours. He stayed for a bit after dinner and as a result didn’t get home until 10:30 or so. Got off work Monday and came to pick me up, we watched a pay-per-view movie at my mom’s house with the plan to get home by about 2pm. But then his mom came over and visited with my parents for a few hours. The plan was to pick up his dad’s car from the mechanic on the way home but we didn’t leave my parents’ house until after 4 and they were closed by then. We got home, just he and I since Princess Punk had opted to stay at my mom’s and given the vehicle situation this seemed like the best idea. The house was a mess since he’d pretty much been at work or at my parents’ house and the walk wasn’t shoveled to i got a ton of snow in my shoes, Yay. We had been home for about 5 minutes when his mom came by to give him HIS presents. He was SO tired at this point he asked her if we could do it another day but his mom (being slightly clueless that what her son needed more than anything was SLEEP), insisted on staying. So he opened his presents and said thank you and she finally went home.

And then he sat there on the couch in utter silence for a minute or two and then… He started to cry. The Zen Master very rarely cries. He’s not one of those guys that thinks he’s too manly to cry or any of that BS, he just generally has excellent control over his emotions. I didn’t know what to do. I went over and hugged him and held him and kissed him. I think the whole crappiness of the weekend, the fact that he had no presents for anyone, the vehicle drama and the fact that he was only halfway through a 13-day stretch at work without a day off had just kinda been building up. And then his mom came and he was upset because he had been too tired to be happy about the presents gave him and he knew that was what she had wanted. So my lovely Zen Master was crying because he couldn’t be happy enough to make his mom happy.

I hate it when people I care about are in pain. I feel so completely helpless and all I wanted to do was make him feel better and I just couldn’t. And The Princess was feeling shitty when I left her and I couldn’t do anything about her mood either. I felt like I tried to get the family together this weekend to have a nice Christmas, even though we’re broke and we have so much going on but I utterly failed.

So now what?

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