The birth story… Edited for grossness

Ever done a Google search on “ways to induce labor at home?” Probably not… I have though so I’ll share some of what I found. In my desperate desire to hurry up and get my damn baby already, when I hit full term at 37 weeks, I started trying some of the old wive’s tales I found online to help get things going a little bit. Some of the things I found? Castor oil, eggplant parmesan, evening primrose oil, walking, sex and a wide variety of things ranging from weird to downright dangerous. Castor oil? ew. Made me gag, gave me gas and caused a few mild contractions that didn’t go anywhere. Eggplant parm? Yummy but sadly, completely ineffective. Evening primrose oil? Pretty much a waste of 7 bucks. Walking? Seriously? Have I mentioned my hip pops out of joint completely? Sex? Ok… um… So I’d been avoiding that one because, well, I’m huge and uncomfortable. So I decided to bite the proverbial bullet (that sounded SUPER porny) and “do the deed.” I guess they weren’t all old wive’s tales because about 20 minutes later I was timing regular contractions about 90 seconds to 2 minutes apart. I sat patiently timing the pain for about 15 minutes when I received this whucktackular text message from Princess Punk who was hanging out with my parents;

“Um bibas in the hospital. He had chest pain and there keeping him for observation. It is NOT a heart attack and he will problebly stay till tomarrow.”

(how she misspelled tomorrow but got observation right is totally beyond my comprehension)

I told her to tell my mom I was having contractions and how far apart they were.

“She said noooooo. And she said u cant do that.”

Okay, I’ll just cross my legs then.

Soooooo… I called my doctor’s office and waited patiently for the on-call doctor to call me back. When Dr. On-Call back and I told him my contractions were 2 minutes or less apart and had been steadily for the last 20-30 minutes he sounded a little concerned.

Remember when I said the hospital I was supposed to deliver at was over an hour away from my house? Yeah. I guess Dr. On-Call didn’t feel entirely comfortable with me taking the long trip since things were going so quickly. He advised me to go to the much closer and much smaller local hospital and get checked out there. At this point this seemed like a wise choice, especially since my dad was about to be admitted to this much smaller and much closer place. So The Zen Master and I packed up into the car and headed over to the mini-hospital in town. At about 7pm, I got admitted to labor and delivery, hooked up to a bunch of wires and checked to see how far I was progressing. Mom and The Princess walked down the hall (yes, the hospital is THAT small) and gave me an update on my dad.  He was doing fine, all labs to that point were normal but because of his high blood pressure and Type 2 Diabetes, they were keeping him in the ICU overnight for observation. Let me just say… My dad’s father passed away when he was a teenager. My mom’s dad? He passed away when she was pregnant with me. These two facts combined with the aforementioned complete lack of care my dad has for his own health and I was… Worried.

What happened next…. hang on let me reassemble this total clusterf*** of an evening in my head… Oh, right. The doctor came in and checked me again since I’d had basically no change in about 90 minutes (Seriously? F***.) and basically pushed me out the door told me that since I was borderline high risk I’d be better off going to the bigger hospital and since things seemed to be progressing slowly (despite the speed at which my contractions were coming) I would be fine to make the hour long drive. When I expressed my worry about my dad, she reassured me by saying “Well, if there’s anything serious wrong, they’ll transfer him to the bigger hospital anyway.” Great. Cuz that really makes me feel better about the situation. So we are left in the hospital room making frantic arrangements for Princess Punk (who was originally supposed to stay with Biba when I went into the hospital) and repack all our schmidt to move over to the other hospital. Mom swings by her house and the store to grab her stuff and get Princess Punk something to eat while the Zen Master holds my hand as the contractions get progressively faster and more painful and I start to panic about sitting in the car for an hour through this crap. See, somehow when I had pictured being in labor, I was picturing being in “early labor” during the car ride, with my contractions 8-10 minutes apart. So I’d basically only have to endure about 10 contractions on the way there. With the contractions so close together? It was going to be a hell of a ride. Like really HELL… Yay. Mom finally gets back to the hospital and we head out. Did I mention it was about -15 when we left? Gotta love Vermont…

So the ride was hell. Duh. The contractions decided to mix it up on me and come in big clusters of pain to really make me appreciate the short breaks I WAS getting. So I’d have like 3-4 contractions back to back with no relief and then a 60-90 second break and then the next one or two would hit me. I was in tears by the time we got there. I made it though. I got admitted to labor and delivery and got hooked up to a bunch of machines again and got to have another doctor feel around in my taco to see what was going on. (overshare? sorry)

Gotta say… The nurse was Amazing. She was nice, supportive and knew just the right things to do to help me through it. The Zen Master was kinda at a loss, I think he was mostly just a bit overwhelmed by how fast things seemed to be going. I had started having contractions at about 630pm and it was only about 1030 at this point and things were moving VERY fast at this point. He was still supportive though and rubbed my feet and held my hand and did what he needed to do to help me get through the contractions which were now strong enough to make me completely incoherent. Mom was great too and helped me stay focused which was extremely difficult at this point since I was getting little to no rest in between contractions and I felt like I didn’t even have time to breathe. I had to stay on the monitor for 20 minutes and wait for the doctor to check me again and then I got to get in the tub for a little while.The water really helped for a very short time and then all of a sudden the pain got a LOT worse. I decided I that even though I was hoping to do the natural birth thing, at this point I wasn’t going to be mad at myself if I gave in and got an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me while I was in the tub. FYI- When you are in labor? Everybody sees your junk. EVERYONE. Because I have some rather odd narcotics allergies, they had to call down to the pharmacy and special order an epidural mix for me with no fentanyl in it. Which of course made things take a bit longer. It took about 20 minutes for them to get the epidural in and another 20 minutes for it to take full effect since for some reason it numbed my left side completely right away and allowed me to feel every single microt of pain on the right. Weird.

Dr. Resident came in and said she’s be back in about an hour to check me again and see how far I was. She had just walked out when I felt the next contraction. Through the epidural. It was weird, there was no pain, just this incredible immense pressure. I told Nurse Amazing to call the doc back in NOW because I was having a lot of pressure and it was time to GO. Dr. Resident comes back in and checks me and sure enough, I’m just about ready to push. She broke my water for me (which was an odd feeling) and within 5 minutes I had this unbelievable primal need to push. There was a huge flurry of activity as Dr. Resident called Dr. Attending and the Med Student and a bunch of nurses put on blue hats and booties. They all kept telling me to hold on since Dr. Attending was on his way but not there yet. Hold on to what? I mean, Seriously??? How the hell are you supposed to “breathe through” something so incredibly strong and from the core of your very DNA? I couldn’t do it. I yelled something like “This baby is coming NOW,” just like in the movies (it was pretty funny in hindsight) and my little bundle of joy was delivered by Dr. Resident and Med Student. Dr. Attending got there in time for the (brace yourself) placenta. Nurse Amazing said I pushed for less than 3 minutes and she came out all at once. (overshare again? Hard to tell with the subject matter at hand) The Zen Master even filmed the last few minutes (from over my shoulder, it was very The Learning Channel, not HBO) and he cut the cord which he got a little skeeved out about.

So anyway, the experience was amazing and from start to finish took 6 and a half hours. I’m really proud of myself, it was a short labor but extremely intense and I went through 90% of it with no drugs. I’m pretty glad I did get the epidural when I did anyway because I don’t think I could have experienced that urge to push with the distraction of all the intense pain I was having.

All in all… Yay me! Life is good.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Saturday morning! « newlifeinvermont
  2. Trackback: From Moose to Peach « newlifeinvermont

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