Ten things I’ve learned the second time around

Since it’s been 12 years since I’ve had a baby to take care of, and both girls are so different,  I’m learning all sorts of new things the second time around…image

1. The number of times a baby spits up is inversely proportionate to the number of clean outfits you have to change them into. Seriously. Peach spent a good portion of the morning nekkid because I had to change her FIVE TIMES in one hour and completely ran out of clothes. She actually spit up more than that but since she is a ninja puker and makes no noise at all before the deluge, I only had the burp cloth ready about half the time. Gross.
2. Baby smiles are like crack… and I’m a crackhead. I have to admit I spend a good portion of my mornings making stupid faces and talking in a Mickey Mouse voice just to get the smallest smile from The Peach. It’s downright disgusting.
3. Speaking of disgusting… Grossness tolerance goes waaaay up. The amount of poop, barf, snot and pee I’ve cleaned off my infant, myself and various surfaces and pieces of furniture in my house is enough to make a person who cleans up crime scenes ill. And I do it all while cooing at Peach and smiling. Ok, not always smiling but still… Oh and additionally on the grossness tip… babies can apparently fart as loudly and stinkily (is that even a word?) as a grown person. I mean really, how does an 8lb person who eats only formula make a sound like a tuba that smells like rotten meat?
4. The baby only pees during diaper changes when you’re foolish enough to NOT have a diaper under her butt. At least baby pee isn’t super smelly.
5. The baby will inevitably wake up when you decide to do something… Anything… From sitting down and having a sandwich to having some “intimate time” with your significant other.
6. Time has no meaning to an infant. Babies do not give a crap if it’s daytime, nighttime, dinner time or if Criminal Minds is on and the DVR isn’t working. Now is the only time they recognize or respect and f*** everything else.
7. Infants are isolating. I spend most days with no adult contact, alternately watching the baby and the TV. Even when there are other adults around, I still feel lonely because everything is about the baby. All the time.
8. Babies are fascinating. The Peach is constantly moving, learning how to move her muscles, listening, watching, always learning, even in her sleep. It is the coolest thing to see, I never get tired of it.
9. Sibling rivalry is not limited to siblings. Princes Punk has shown some upset at least on a subconscious level by acting out and misbehaving in various infuriating ways but I have to admit that I find even I get jealous when The Zen Master or The Princess are making goo-goo eyes at the baby and totally ignoring me.
10. Everything you have to do gets multiplied by at least 10 and the time you have to do it in decreases to a point of disbelief. Laundry, dishes, various cleaning duties… I swear, Fairy Dog is even shedding more. And my days are just gone. Since babies seem to have no sense of time, they seem to suck up all yours. I’ve had many days in the past few weeks where I get to the point I can actually do something, look at the clock and it’s after 10pm. Whuck happened to my day?

I’m sure that as The Peach gets older there will be more stuff that I’ll discover and occasionally regret that I know…
Crap, she’s waking up and I could have been doing something productive. What the hell time is it now? Shit.

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Mommy blahs

The Zen Master is an amazing daddy. I mean truly. It seems to come so naturally to him. His love and patience with Princess Punk and now The Peach are astonishing to me.
Me on the other hand?
I suck.
I love my girls. I love them more than I thought was even possible. My problem seems to be getting that across to them. I love The Zen Master but with him it’s so simple. I’m able to be loving and affectionate with him with no reservations, no discomfort, no doubt. My girls? It’s… Awkward. Even with the baby, I feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to do. It’s not the technical stuff, I know how to physically take care of my kids. It’s just when it comes to showing affection and positive attention that I seen hopelessly lost. Princess Punk gives me a hug or a kiss and my whole body stiffens up. It’s not that I don’t want to, it just feels awkward and confining. I hold Peach and she cries and I seem to be unable to comfort her. Something that should be natural and instinctive is completely foreign to me.
Add to this the increasing amount of opposition and dishonesty I’m getting from Princess Punk and I’m feeling helpless and a total failure as a mom. I don’t seem to have raised the older one with a decent sense of respect and honesty, two traits that are more important in life than most anything else and I am apparently dysfunctional in being able to provide the brand new one with the comfort and support that is so vital to her development as a human being.
I’m not sure what it is. My mom is incredibly caring and has never had a problem making it clear how much she loves me. As I said, I have no problem showing my love for The Zen Master, so why is it so goddamn difficult for me to give my 12 year old a hug and a kind word or to snuggle with my infant and soothe her crying?
What is wrong with me? Is this something that can be fixed or is it just the way I am and my beautiful girls are essentially screwed when it comes to maternal affection?
Ok. Done with the pity party. I totally feel like a shitty mom but I know I’m still doing better for my kids than a lot of others. And I DO love them. So much that it hurts.

What day is it again?

Ok… It must be Tuesday because I had therapy today.

It’s my first time out of the house in 6 days.

I cleaned for several hours on Saturday and then spent Sunday AND Monday recuperating.

Every other day has consisted of the following-

Feed, change, rock, bathe, play with The Peach.

Eat

Watch TV

Play solitaire and go on Facebook on my phone

Sleep

That’s it.

I’m not posting because of the phone thing and since I have no laptop, I’m not able to do much else. I could at least be messing around online or something if I had my PC.  Princess Punk is still grounded so I don’t have her to motivate me to get up and do something since” Mom is a total “B” and I hate her.” Okay okay, she didn’t say that but that is definitely the attitude I’m getting from her about 90% of the time.

All my days are smooshing together to the point that I have no idea what day it is most days, nor can I differentiate where one day ends and the next begins. Today was a bit refreshing since I had an appointment and I actually went grocery shopping. I’m currently posting this from my mom’s laptop and siting in her living room feeling both somewhat relieved and somewhat agitated that I’m not actually in my own home. I go back to work in a little less than 3 weeks. I’m going to miss my Peach terribly but I am so relieved to feel purposeful again. Not that I don’t have a purpose now, it’s just not really noticeable since it’s what I’m expected to do anyway. Like I said, I need structure and activity to function and I am sorely lacking in that department at the moment. I feel somewhat muted, like a painting that has been sitting in the sun for too long. I’m vaguely tired, kinda bored and slightly annoyed pretty much all the time. I’ve been sporadically taking my Ritalin again and it does seem to help but apparently it’s not completely a mental thing since I get physically worn out pretty quickly.

Ah well… I guess it’s time for me to head home and put away the groceries. Peach is knocked out and she is making me sleepy so I better get home before I pass out on my mom’s couch.

Not a particularly funny or clever post today, sorry.

Who’d have thunk it?

I have too much time on my hands.
The thing about me is I need to be useful. I need structure, a schedule, a list of things to do. Peach is finally sleeping more and as a result I’m slightly more rested. Problem is, I still have very little energy, I’m still dealing with some depression and she still has no kind of rhyme or reason to when she sleeps and for how long. As a result, I’m awake but lethargic and needing to stay within a few feet of the Peach because there is no telling when she will awaken.
It’s not like there is a lack of things to do around here… The house is a mess, there is a ridiculous amount of laundry to do and we have yet to do our taxes. Not to mention I should get out of the house every once and awhile but since Peach’s schedule is, well, not a schedule at all, there’s no way to plan any kind of outing.
So I hang out in my bed or on the couch, watching Law and Order and putting the binky back in The Peach’s mouth every time she spits it out and starts fussing.
I am bored.
I have no one to talk to and I’m so spaced out that I don’t think I could actually hold a conversation if the opportunity arose. Crazy Girl has come over to hang out a couple times and I babble aimlessly and then watch her coo over Peach. And I don’t want to go anywhere since it seems to cost me money every time I do and I think The Zen Master may kill me if I use the credit card again.
I think I’ve put on about 15lbs since I’ve been home because when I’m bored, I pretty much eat constantly. And unfortunately, even though I’m mind-numbingly bored, I can’t seem to summon enough energy to get something done around here. I’d really like it if I could just get my schmidt together for long enough to clean up just a little bit.
I’ve been avoiding my Ritalin since I’ve been trying to sleep some in the morning and afternoon when The Peach sleeps since overnight is still not guaranteed. I’m thinking I’m going to take some tomorrow and see what happens.
Oh and posting is a major pain in the ass as I’m still limited to my phone unless I go to mom’s house or steal The Zen Master’s netbook. Neither of those options arte either convenient or desirable.
Crap. Now I’m bored AND grumpy.

Our first real world internet safety lesson

Because Saturday wasn’t messed up enough…
I get a call from The Zen Master’s sister Saturday night. I love her to death but she is a little bit ditzy and tends to overreact to stuff. So she is somewhat frantically telling me that her neighbor just stopped by because her friend just went to the police with Princess Punk’s “boyfriend” (seriously? SHE IS TWELVE) because some random person was texting him and apparently the Princess with inappropriate and increasingly threatening text messages. Now, let me first say, Princess Punk had been without her phone since Thursday due to being grounded for disappearing off the face of the earth for several hours while she went to said “boyfriend’s” house. At least his mom was home, but the Princess had turned off her phone so The Zen Master and I had a brief period of total panic while we tried to figure out just what in the f*** had happened to our eldest child. Anyway… Princess Punk’s phone had the following text messages since Thursday since she had suspisciously deleted eveything before her phone was confiscated…

“are you bisexual?”

“are you a boy or a girl?”

“do you have a boyfriend?”

Apparently her boyfriend got some similar messages plus a few warning said boyfriend to leave Princess alone or “I’ll kill you” as well as “She will be with me or I will kill myself”

Fantastic.

So I spent much af Saturday evening speaking with Princess Punk’s boyfriend’s mom and the local police as we tried to figure out whuck was going on. Eventually (after a visit to the police station) we found out the person sending the texts was a 15 year old in KY with some mental deficiencies who didn’t truly understand the gravity of the texts that he was sending. The police spoke to his parents and his phone was taken away and Princess Punk and her boyfriend’s phone numbers were erased from it’s memory.

This was a scary thing, but here’s the scarier part… Princess Punk apparently met this kid in a online chat room and gave him her phone number. Oh. My. God.

Are you a parent? If so, you might understand the cold terror that filled me in the moment I found out my precious child had given out her personal information to some random person on the internet. That horrible feeling that no matter what I teach this kid and how much I protect her, I can’t keep her from her own naivete and utter f***ing stupidity enough to keep her safe. It is bad enough that I worry about this 12 year old who has the body of a young adult and is starting to get second looks by men in their teens and 20’s but the added anonimity of the internet froze me to the core.

We have had the internet safety conversation many times before. In fact she had an entire class devoted to the subject this year. SO why on earth would she do something like that? The Zen Master and I reiterated how important it is to keep your private information privete on the internet. We tried to again impress upon her that people can pretend to be whoever they want online and you would have NO IDEA. It could have been some 40 year old perv in this town instead of a 15 year old in another state.

I think that this was an unpleasant enough experience that she may have actually grasped the gravity of our words.

I guess we’ll see right?

Or, say, a 45 year old pedophile…

The Zen Master summed up in a photo.

Reading manga on his netbook in dirty work clothes with a knocked out Peach on his shoulder.

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Another reason why Diabetes sucks…

Princess Punk is sick. There is a particularly nasty stomach virus making the rounds and The Princess has it. Rememberhow Iwas recently discussing the fact that Princess Punk doesn’t throw up? She threw up TWICE this morning. That’s how bad this stupid virus is. My first born spent over an hour on the floor in the bathroom moaning and looking miserable. She still has diarrhea.

So here’s the REALLY crappy part. (Oh, ew, sorry)

Because Princess Punk has Type 1 Diabetes, when she gets sick, she could end up in the ER. Especially stomach bugs. See, the virus makes her blood sugar shoot up. This means her insulin is not covering her. Which means her body starts producing ketones. Which could could end up putting her in the hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis. This means she needs more insulin. Because her body is all screwed up with the virus, it’s hard to say just how much more insulin she needs. This means he sugar can also get too low. Because she is having trouble keeping anything down, getting sugar into her is difficult. So she could end up in the hospital needing IV glucose. So, in order to keep her blood sugar in that magic range between 100 and 200, We have to wake her up every hour and test her blood sugar. And she has to check for ketones every time she pees. Because the kid isn’t uncomfortable enough with the belly ache, vomiting and diarrhea.

~sigh~

To top it off, The Peach is still going through some kind of f***ed up baby sleep deprivation thing that causes her to sleep no more than 20 minutes at a time. So I’m trying to take care of The Princess on no sleep and keep her away from Peach since this virus is also dangerous for infants. I’ve been following the Princess around with hand sanitizer and a can of Lysol all day. Luckily she’s mostly been asleep in her room so it’s not too bad. Mom came over while The Zen Master was at work so I didn’t completely lose my farking mind and basically held the baby so I could clean up and disinfect and make sure Princess Punk wasn’t say… slipping into a coma.

SoI’m currently zoned out on the couch. Both my girls are asleep. Princess Punk’s blood sugar was 81, normally a happy number but today slightly worrysome. So She got a half a cup of Gatorade and went back to sleep. Gotta wake her up again in a half hour. Gave The Peach a bath and a rub down with some Burt’s Bees baby oil (ohmigod that stuff is AWESOME) and she is finally sleeping a bit more soundly than she has in days. The shitty part? Since I’ve been running around all day like a headless chicken, worrying about my precious girls, I am currently to amped to sleep. My one freaking chance to sleep in the past 24 hours and I CAN’T.

Hating Diabetes right now. And this stupid norovirus which I’m sure will be hitting me and my screwed up digestive system in the next day or so.

HooRAY.

I’m pouting now.

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