Mommy blahs

The Zen Master is an amazing daddy. I mean truly. It seems to come so naturally to him. His love and patience with Princess Punk and now The Peach are astonishing to me.
Me on the other hand?
I suck.
I love my girls. I love them more than I thought was even possible. My problem seems to be getting that across to them. I love The Zen Master but with him it’s so simple. I’m able to be loving and affectionate with him with no reservations, no discomfort, no doubt. My girls? It’s… Awkward. Even with the baby, I feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to do. It’s not the technical stuff, I know how to physically take care of my kids. It’s just when it comes to showing affection and positive attention that I seen hopelessly lost. Princess Punk gives me a hug or a kiss and my whole body stiffens up. It’s not that I don’t want to, it just feels awkward and confining. I hold Peach and she cries and I seem to be unable to comfort her. Something that should be natural and instinctive is completely foreign to me.
Add to this the increasing amount of opposition and dishonesty I’m getting from Princess Punk and I’m feeling helpless and a total failure as a mom. I don’t seem to have raised the older one with a decent sense of respect and honesty, two traits that are more important in life than most anything else and I am apparently dysfunctional in being able to provide the brand new one with the comfort and support that is so vital to her development as a human being.
I’m not sure what it is. My mom is incredibly caring and has never had a problem making it clear how much she loves me. As I said, I have no problem showing my love for The Zen Master, so why is it so goddamn difficult for me to give my 12 year old a hug and a kind word or to snuggle with my infant and soothe her crying?
What is wrong with me? Is this something that can be fixed or is it just the way I am and my beautiful girls are essentially screwed when it comes to maternal affection?
Ok. Done with the pity party. I totally feel like a shitty mom but I know I’m still doing better for my kids than a lot of others. And I DO love them. So much that it hurts.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Mars… Venus… Yeah, we get it. « newlifeinvermont

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