Ten things I’ve learned the second time around

Since it’s been 12 years since I’ve had a baby to take care of, and both girls are so different,  I’m learning all sorts of new things the second time around…image

1. The number of times a baby spits up is inversely proportionate to the number of clean outfits you have to change them into. Seriously. Peach spent a good portion of the morning nekkid because I had to change her FIVE TIMES in one hour and completely ran out of clothes. She actually spit up more than that but since she is a ninja puker and makes no noise at all before the deluge, I only had the burp cloth ready about half the time. Gross.
2. Baby smiles are like crack… and I’m a crackhead. I have to admit I spend a good portion of my mornings making stupid faces and talking in a Mickey Mouse voice just to get the smallest smile from The Peach. It’s downright disgusting.
3. Speaking of disgusting… Grossness tolerance goes waaaay up. The amount of poop, barf, snot and pee I’ve cleaned off my infant, myself and various surfaces and pieces of furniture in my house is enough to make a person who cleans up crime scenes ill. And I do it all while cooing at Peach and smiling. Ok, not always smiling but still… Oh and additionally on the grossness tip… babies can apparently fart as loudly and stinkily (is that even a word?) as a grown person. I mean really, how does an 8lb person who eats only formula make a sound like a tuba that smells like rotten meat?
4. The baby only pees during diaper changes when you’re foolish enough to NOT have a diaper under her butt. At least baby pee isn’t super smelly.
5. The baby will inevitably wake up when you decide to do something… Anything… From sitting down and having a sandwich to having some “intimate time” with your significant other.
6. Time has no meaning to an infant. Babies do not give a crap if it’s daytime, nighttime, dinner time or if Criminal Minds is on and the DVR isn’t working. Now is the only time they recognize or respect and f*** everything else.
7. Infants are isolating. I spend most days with no adult contact, alternately watching the baby and the TV. Even when there are other adults around, I still feel lonely because everything is about the baby. All the time.
8. Babies are fascinating. The Peach is constantly moving, learning how to move her muscles, listening, watching, always learning, even in her sleep. It is the coolest thing to see, I never get tired of it.
9. Sibling rivalry is not limited to siblings. Princes Punk has shown some upset at least on a subconscious level by acting out and misbehaving in various infuriating ways but I have to admit that I find even I get jealous when The Zen Master or The Princess are making goo-goo eyes at the baby and totally ignoring me.
10. Everything you have to do gets multiplied by at least 10 and the time you have to do it in decreases to a point of disbelief. Laundry, dishes, various cleaning duties… I swear, Fairy Dog is even shedding more. And my days are just gone. Since babies seem to have no sense of time, they seem to suck up all yours. I’ve had many days in the past few weeks where I get to the point I can actually do something, look at the clock and it’s after 10pm. Whuck happened to my day?

I’m sure that as The Peach gets older there will be more stuff that I’ll discover and occasionally regret that I know…
Crap, she’s waking up and I could have been doing something productive. What the hell time is it now? Shit.

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