Here I am

Back at work, day 3…

I’m so damn tired.

I haven’t actually made it to work on time yet…

Naturally, I have a lot of catching up to do, answering emails, clearing voice mails, yada, yada and yada. Most of it at this point is just busy work. I have some more people-oriented tasks to do, but I think I’m going to hold off on that for a few days until I feel a little bit more settled in. I have to say, I have been fairly productive and despite my fears, I was able to jump right back into work without any issues (thank you Ritalin). Getting back into the office-wide rhythm is taking a little longer, it’s kind of like jumping in at double dutch, you have to get your timing right and move decisively. As always, social stuff is harder for me and I’m kind of standing back waiting for the right time to jump back in.

This is the smile I get at 4am when I’m not conscious enough to appreciate it.

I miss my Peach. She’s been grumpy in the morning when I leave and in the afternoon when I get home so I feel like I’m missing all the happy baby time. In my screwy brain, this of course confirms my fear that I am NOT bonding properly with my baby and she doesn’t feel the connection with Mommy that she should. I realize this is somewhat irrational but as I’ve mentioned before, my faith in my mothering skills is shaky at best.

She is still not sleeping well at night.

I’m so damn tired.

Unfortunately, with the whole newborn thing, it’s not like I can “catch up” on sleep over the weekend since her sleep schedule is not going to respect the fact that it’s Saturday and Mommy can actually sleep in a little bit. As a result I am functioning in a kind of fog that has switched me into s l o w – m o t i o n mode. The rare times I ammoving at normal speed, the fog seems to cause some sort of mental directional confusion and I will frequently find myself staring around somewhat panicked wondering what in the hell I was supposed to be doing at that particular moment. If not for the Ritalin I would be completely useless at work. The meds at least allow me to have moments of clarity which I take full advantage of to get schmidt done.  Despite the fog and the crummy, inadequate feelings I am having about The Peach, I’m actually in a pretty good mood. My schedule is starting to normalize (with the exception of sleep), I haven’t forgotten how to do my job and people are actually happy that I’m back, I have adult contact and I’m actually remaining sane (as sane as I ever get at least). In addition,

Who are you and what have you done with my daughter??

Princess Punk is cooperating with the new contract and is actually happy about the rewards system we’ve set up for her. She’s finally on Concerta (an extended release version of Ritalin) and she’s a lot more agreeable and as a result she and I are getting along pretty well most of the time. I got home yesterday and she was cleaning the living room (not one of her responsibilities) without being asked. She said “I’m just in a cleaning mood.” I thought I had slipped through a wormhole into an alternate dimension.  She’s also been much better with diabetes compliance and we’ve had 2 full days without missing an insulin bolus or a blood sugar check. This may not seem like much, but for her it’s a small miracle.

Overall, getting back to real life has been going pretty well. I’m just so damn tired…

I had planned to write a post about my political views since it seems to be such a hot news topic at the moment but I’ll be damned if I can remember what I was going to say. I guess I’ll have to wait on that one… Something for y’all to look forward to?


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