Somewhere along the line, I have become a morning person.

I’m not exactly sure when this happened… It likely because of a combination of things, having a steady work schedule after years of varying shifts and short term jobs, dating and then marrying a man who wakes up for work at 430am and the right cocktail of psychotropic meds come to mind. In the past few years, my schedule has gradually shifted from staying up until 2am and sleeping until whenever to a steady bedtime around 9pm, waking up no later than 630am, even on the weekend.

I still take a few minutes to wake up and I do hit the snooze button more often than I should but even then I’m out of bed within a half hour and once I’m up, I’m UP. Oh and I’m cheery. Downright chipper some days.

Yup, that’s me at 5am… Downright frightening.

I have become one of those people I used to despise. I’m productive, happy and all around bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

It’s gross.

Princess Punk actually used to be a morning person. Unfortunately, after many years of my past craptastic parenting skills and completely effed up schedule (or complete lack thereof), by the time she was 8, she was damn near impossible to get out of bed in the morning without some major poking, prodding and yelling.

Dude… Not a pillow.

Currently, The Zen Master and I have a “bathroom rule,” that is to say that Princess Punk is not actually awake and doing what she is supposed to do in the morning (or at least heading in that general direction) until you can hear her peeing in the bathroom. We’ve learned, after several mornings of WHUCK-are-you-doing-back-in-bed??, that her standing up in her bedroom or even walking into the bathroom is not sufficient to determine consciousness. Swear to god I found her sleeping in the bathroom one time… On the toilet…

An average weekday morning (i.e. NOT a Tuesday) now goes something like this;

 4:30am- The Zen Master gets up
4:45am- alarm goes off ~snooze~
4:55am- out of bed
5am-5:15am- turn on the news, bathroom stuff (do you really need details?)
5:15am- wake up Princess Punk
5:15am-5:25am- get dressed, make sure Princess Punk is conscious, checks her blood sugar, brushes her teeth and wears something appropriate, all while making boob juice (ok, I know it sounds gross, but “pumping my breasts” sounded even worse)
5:25am- goodbye kiss from The Zen Master
5:25am-5:35am- Pack lunch for me and the Princess and diaper bag and bottles for The Peach, take Fairy Dog outside and feed him and get The Peach out of her crib and buckled into the car seat. The Princess and I split these tasks up however it gets done the fastest.
5:35am- get out the front door while remembering to shut out the lights, turn off the TV, put my phone in my purse, make sure Princess Punk has insulin and other necessary diabetes supplies, her backpack and her phone and double check to make sure The Princess actually took Fairy Dog outside cuz who wants to come home to poop? Oh yeah, and the baby and all her accoutrements, can’t forget her.
5:35am-5:45am- haul ass to my mom’s house, stopping at Cumby’s on the way to buy my Red Bull (omigod it’s like crack…)
5:45am-6:15am- wake up mom, get The Princess started on breakfast, wake up The Peach (because she has slept through the melee so far), change The Peach’s diaper, enjoy “nekkid baby time” while The Peach lays on the changing table stark naked cooing, kicking and smiling at me, hand The Peach over to my mom, verify which bottle has boob juice in it and which one is just formula, babble at my mom while really just procrastinating because I want to gaze at my baby and gear myself up to get to work.
6:15am- leave for work (finally)

And I manage all this with a spring in my step and a smile on my face… And that’s even before the Ritalin kicks in! A few years ago I considered it a good morning if I managed to get dressed before 11am. I swear my mom thinks I’m on meth or something. Princess Punk routinely tells me how weird and crazy I am as she struggles to take in my exuberance with bleary-eyed disdain.  The only one who seems unperturbed by my unnatural effervescence is The Zen Master who has himself been a morning person for as long as I’ve known him.


It’s HIS fault.

Sneaky bastard.


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