Losing steam

So, I’ve been back to work for a few weeks now. I hit the ground running and I’m so happy to be back.

And yet…

I’m feeling kinda… bleh. I haven’t been getting a tremendous amount of sleep. The Peach is doing much better at night, she only wakes up twice most nights and goes right back to sleep after a bottle and a diaper change. The problem has more to do with me. I’ve never been a great sleeper and now that I’m back to work, I’m having trouble turning all that off when I get home and actually relaxing. As a result, I’m super tired but I can’t get my brain to quiet down enough to actually sleep. When I finally DO get to sleep, it’s usually about 10-15 minutes before the first time Peach wakes up. Joy. Additionally, my nose is all stuffed up and my stomach has been bothering me a bit more than usual. So I’m tired.

Work is going really well but on Friday I had the somewhat terrifying realization that I’m somewhat of a supervisor now and I am responsible for other people. Not only that, but people are looking to me for guidance and knowledge. Granted, this was the case before I even left on maternity leave, but since I was being a total slacker the last few weeks months before I left, the actual gravty of that didn’t really sink in. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying my new responsibilities and I’m flattered that people here have enough faith in me and my experience that they look to me for help. But it’s a tremendous responsibility and it is damned scary. It’s taking some major effort to adapt to the new skill set required for this position. As someone who strives to be the best at everything work-related and is very self-critical, I don’t tolerate much of a learning curve. I want to do the best, be the best and I should be performing at that level right now. Since this is completely new territory for me, I honestly have no clue how I’m doing.  Since I’ve been so tired, I am having frequent brain farts and periods of complete blankness that always seem to occur when someone comes to my office to ask me a question. My answers the past week have included a lot of, “Uhhh…,” “No, Wait that’s not right,” or, “Could you repeat the question?” My supervisor continues to assure me that I’m doing a great job, but again, setting the bar pretty high for myself and not managing to clear it.

And then there’s the whole parenting thing. The Peach is somewhat cranky most of the time. She fights sleep like nothing I’ve ever seen and as a result spends most of her day tired and grumpy. She’s also been diagnosed with reflux. Apparently this isn’t an uncommon thing for little babies since that muscle in the esophagus that keeps the stomach contents where they belong is underdeveloped. So we got a prescription for Zantac which comes in a viscous liquid that we have to give her twice a day. She does not like it. At all. It generally takes two of us about 10 minutes to give her 3/4 of a teaspoon of the evil liquid. This usually results in her screaming, coughing and gagging as The Zen Master and I pray that at least some of it actually makes it into her system and not all over her bib, shirt and us. At least it has reduced the frequency and magnitude of her puking and stomach upset. I knew it wasn’t normal for a baby to spit up large volumes 20 times a day.

or two minutes… or 30 seconds…

Princess Punk is… 12. The contract/reward system is losing it’s novelty and she is slipping back into sullen defiance. Her mood swings have been super-fun this week and last night I caught her with her netbook in bed at 10pm. If it was up to me there’s no way in hell a 12-year-old would have a personal computer with fairly unlimited internet access, but her school got some kind of technology grant and they gave a netbook to every 6th grader for the school year. It actually has helped with the whole homework thing, and they’re able to do some really cool projects, but it is ridiculously difficult to monitor her online activity since she has been instructed by her technology teacher not to give her password to ANYONE. Which apparently includes me.

Two men enter… One man leaves

Seriously? The rule in the house is she isn’t allowed to go on the computer unless an adult is present and the computer is not allowed in her bedroom. EVER. So when I went into her room at 10pm and found her chatting online in her bed, I was… pissed. I am feeling somewhat defeated when it comes to her. It seems like no matter what we do, she just does her own thing and just ignores the boundaries we set for her. I thought this crap wasn’t supposed to happen for another couple of years? It makes me petrified the next 6 or so years will be even worse. I don’t know if I’ll make it.

So yeah… I’m a little stressed. And I’m losing steam. And it’s only Tuesday. This week is not looking good…

Fantastic. One of my coworkers just got yelled at (via email) for something I told them to do.

Crap. Now my head hurts and I have a forehead print on my desk.


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