4 words you never want to have to say

What is that smell?

Hells Yeah I do

There is something gross lurking in my house. I’m pretty sure it’s in the kitchen but it might be the dining room. I can’t really describe the odor… Something like a dirty diaper, spoiled milk and garbage thats been sitting in the sun for 3 days in the summer. All at the same time. Then there’s some kind of organic undertone, like rotten vegetables and… onions?

I can’t find it.

It’s been 3 days and it’s getting progressively worse and I cannot find where it originates.

The smell is starting to creep into my living room. I’ll be sitting on the couch giving the Peach a bottle and all of a sudden I get a faint whiff…

What the hell IS that?????

My house is a little bit messy, sure, and I have to sweep daily because Fairy Dog decided he didn’t like his fur and was going to replace it all at once, but I think we’d notice something sitting in the corner rotting. I’ve never been a neat person, but, at least since becoming an adult, I am clean. My house is always cluttered and messy and everything inevitably has dog hair on it but I never have bugs or mice (except for the one field mouse per year The Beast will kill and leave in my living room).  I clean spills up right away so there’s never anything sticky on the floor or various  surfaces and my house never EVER smells. I make sure Princess Punk cleans out The Beast’s litter box every few days because it drives me farking insane to walk down to her room and smell that disgusting ammonia-y odor. I clean out the fridge regularly and without mercy, if it’s past the expiration date, it goes. If it’s a jar of something that nobody’s eaten in over a month? Too bad. The Zen Master eats pickles at least once a week just to make sure I don’t chuck ’em.

So what the f*ck is that smell?

I spent a good hour last night walking randomly around my kitchen and dining room sniffing the air and various corners and crevices like some kind of scent seeking hound. No luck.


I’m going to start prying up floorboards next.

Holy crap Mommy, what IS that?


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