Not in Service, Please try again.

I’d like to hide now. I wish I knew what the hell was wrong. There is nothing specific, just this nagging desire to not be here. Not just at work but I guess in general. I’m not suicidal or anything, I just feel like I want to run away though what I’m running from I couldn’t tell you.

I am incapable of dealing with any kind of stress at the moment.

I usually handle stress pretty well, less so when I’m in a down swing but right now? I’m not dealing. At all. The littlest thing will turn my world upside down and I find myself frequently crying. Or yelling. Or both. I wrote a check at the grocery store yesterday and put the amount in the wrong place. And I cried. Right there at the register. The poor cashier was a bit freaked out. I managed to not lose it completely until I got to the car where it went from “oh crap I made a mistake” to “What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t even keep my schmidt together in the grocery store???” It took me at least 15 minutes to stop blubbering enough to be able to drive home. Last night I burned my arm while making dinner and broke into a sobbing puddle in the kitchen. It wasn’t even a bad burn. During dinner, Princess Punk copped a ‘tude and I actually had to pick up my plate and go into my room(yelling at her the whole way) to avoid chucking something at her. Then I cried an ugly, gross, slobbering cry into my plate of salmon.

See, this is the point where bipolar gets bad for me. At least, that’s what I’ll blame this on since it’s better than saying I’m just a completely broken and screwed up individual. There is this horrible feeling, this inability to function and then comes Guilt because I am either neglecting my family and friends or being absolutely horrible to them. Anger and Self-Loathing because I am unable to perform the simplest tasks or the briefest of conversations without breaking down into mush. Then I berate myself for being stupid or weak or mean or something and then I feel even worse and it turns into this horrible spiral of despair and self-pity and anger and sadness and nothing.

I actually made it to work today. I’ve even spoken to a few people. But I am staying in my office as much as possible because I keep breaking into tears and I am terrified that someone will ask me how I’m doing today and I might actually tell them. Which could result in me being committed or something. Ok, I’m probably just being stupid there, but still, any kind of prying into “how I’m doing” is likely to result in tears and possibly hysteria. Seriously.

I see my therapist today since she was sick yesterday. I’m honestly a little scared to go in because I am really afraid she is going to suggest I go to the hospital or at the very least take a few days off from work. Neither of which are a possibility at the moment since one of the things that is weighing on me is money or our drastic lack thereof and I have about 1 day of sick time accrued since I’ve gotten back from maternity leave.

I can’t afford to have a nervous breakdown (or whatever you want to call it)  right now.

So I am sitting in my office, hiding, intermittently crying and doing whatever work I am capable of at the moment.

I’d really like to know what is wrong so I can FIX it.


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