Yay for chemistry!

Holy Crap I feel SO much better.

After some medication adjustments, I turned the corner on Sunday and started feeling human again. I even went to Princess Punk’s soccer game (which they lost… oh well).

It still amazes me (and sometimes irritates me) how much the right combination of psychotropic medication makes such a huge difference in my life. I know that some people believe that medication is a crutch, not neccesary and something that should be avoided at all costs. I envy people who think that because it is more than likely they have never suffered from any kind of Axis I Psychological Disorder. Axis I disorders are things like depression, bipolar, anxiety and adjustment disorder and are generally caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain as opposed to Axis II disorders like schizophrenia and personality disorders which are more organic than chemical (as in the actual structure of the brain is screwy in some way). With Axis II disorders, medication can ameliorate symptoms but not the underlying disorder. Axis I disorders respond very well to the right medications as they are primarily chemical in nature. Therapy is important for both kinds of illnesses and medication alone is never a good solution. So basically, if you think that medication isn’t a neccesary evil, then you’ve clearly never been where I was this past weekend.

It’s terrifying to feel that way. To not want to talk to Princess Punk or The Zen Master, to not even want to hold The Peach, to have no control over your own thoughts as your brain goes to some really dark and scary places. I couldn’t hold a conversation without breaking into hysterics. I couldn’t leave my home. I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts without freaking out so bad I was shaking and couldn’t breathe. I spent Saturday morning at home by myself and ended up clawing my arm to the point that I looked like I got into a fight with a cat and lost. And that was just to keep myself occupied from finding worse ways to hurt myself.

And now? Now I’m okay. The right chemical cocktail and my brain is functioning properly and I’m able to interact with my family and go to work and actually be productive and hold a normal conversation with other people. I’m engaged in my life again, I can leave my home and speak coherently and smile and even laugh.

So maybe meds aren’t the right thing for everyone. Maybe there are people out there that have mental health issues that they can deal with without taking a pill. Me? I have an illness, just like any chronic physical condition and I recognize that I need medication to make it work.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Scars and reminders « newlifeinvermont

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