Everything’s gonna be ok.

I’ve had a kinda crappy week. Broke, as usual. Rough time at work. Weather’s been shitty. Distance from The Zen Master. Attitude from Princess Punk. Splitting headache all freaking week and a sudden lack of time to get all the crap done at home that I need to do.

Then this morning, on my way to work, I saw this
 
And I smiled.
 
And work was better today.
 
Princess Punk went swimming with her friend and I’m hoping she is in a better mood when she gets home.
The Peach is chortling and making me giggle.
The Zen Master is NOT playing his video game.
 
I still have a headache, I’m still broke, and I still have WAY too much to do, but I feel better.
And Everything’s gonna be ok.

It’s not the cookie dough, really

The Zen Master ate some cookie dough out of the freezer. You know, one of those Pillsbury, ready to make cookies? Yes. I am lazy. I got kinda pissed at him. This was the second time in a week he’d done that and it was irritating because I was planning on making the cookies for all of us later in the week. And I realized… It’s not the damn cookie dough that pissed me off. It was the fact that this WAS the second time he’d done it and he just hadn’t even asked if I had plans for it or anything. It was… inconsiderate.

And then I thought about it. And I realized that the past few weeks have kinda sucked between us. Nothing serious, no fights or anything, I’ve just been left feeling like he’s more my roommate than my husband. I’m lonely and he’s in the next room. That’s not right. We interact around the baby and Princess Punk but other than that, not much. I get home and he is “level grinding” (what the hell IS that anyway?) on his video game and I get a, “Hi, I love you,” and if I’m lucky a quick peck and then I just go play on my computer because I don’t feel like competing with the stupid game. And if he comes out into the living room, he brings his netbook and reads manga on the couch while we watch TV. So I keep playing on my computer. Because what’s the point? I don’t have enough attention span to watch a program anyway and there’s no use trying to exchange our usual quips and “that’s what she said” if he’s not even paying attention. It’s not like he’s even playing a game or something, he is reading. You can’t participate in a conversation and read at the same time. We haven’t even been eating together at the table anymore. I make dinner and we all get our plates and plop on the couch. Or he’ll bypass the couch entirely and go into the bedroom and plug in while he’s eating. Generally we have to take turns eating because The Peach has excellent timing and always seems to get grumpy just as I’m finishing cooking.

And then the stupid cookie dough thing. And I’m left feeling like I need to put names on stuff in the fridge so he doesn’t eat something that I’m planning on using for a family meal. Last night, I did have him back briefly. I had a majorly shitty day and I was pretty much in tears when I got home and I got a hug and we watched TV together for a bit. And I told him how I was feeling. But then, I fell asleep watching TV and woke up to an empty spot in the bed next to me and The Zen Master sitting at the end of the bed playing the stupid game again.
And it’s Wednesday. I left work early today because I’m basically feeling a bit disenchanted with all that at the moment. Being Wednesday, I went to my mom’s where I found a pissy Princess and a pissed-off mom. Really didn’t want to get involved in the drama so I took the girls home and found The Zen Master playing his game. I got a hello. That’s it. He’ll be leaving for Tae Kwon Do shortly and he won’t be back until after 7 tonight. And then I’ll be tired and I’m already grumpy and now I just want to cry.
Because things are shitty right now and I miss my husband.

Saturday morning!

I am absolutely determined to have a weekend this weekend. Hunh… That sentence sounded way better in my head.

Anyway…

Princess Punk had a friend over last night. I have to say out of the girls she hangs with, this one is pretty nice. Her mom is a real sweetheart so that’s always a plus. In fact this particular mom was the one who swooped in and rescued us when we had the Princess dilemma when I went into labor. The great thing about 12-year-old girls? They think babies are cool (until they poop or start crying) and they have taken over most of the baby care and have given me a break. They are currently in the living room with The Peach, watching Glee and seeing just how much oatmeal she can smear in her hair. As long as they clean her up…

She made my diaper bag… Nice right?

 

Later this morning (it’s just about 7:30 now) we’ll be heading to the Hardwick Farmer’s Market with my mom. My mom is quite talented in the arts and crafts arena and lately she has been making these really nice satchel-type bags and cool rope baskets. We’ve been looking around local arts and crafts fairs and stuff to see if she would be able to sell anything to help my parents’ financial situation. After that?? Probably yard work and cleaning, we’ll see… It’s going to be a nice day today and tomorrow. I might just say “eff the yard work” and go to the park or something. I am determined to have at least some R&R this weekend!

 

 

Basket with lid and a trivet thingy… The word for that has just completely escaped my brain…

5 minutes…

I need to vent a smidge…

I had a super shitty morning at work. Like really, really sucky.

My mom just happened to be bringing my girls to go swimming (or in The Peach’s case, splashing or something) about 2 minutes from where I work. I thought it might be nice to go on my lunch and get a quick hug, some baby crack, something. Might make the rest of my day (a day I have to work late anyway) a little bit more bearable. I tried several times in vain to reach either my mom or Princess Punk on their respective cell phones with no luck. I finally gave up and headed out the door with the hopes of catching them. I had just pulled out of the parking lot when I finally got my mom on the phone…

Told her I was on my way and got this…

“NO. Turn around. We are leaving and we have to get back, your dad needs the car.”

He apparently had an appointment in Williston (1 hour drive) in 2 hours. So she was unable to wait 5 minutes for me to get there, get a quick hug and get back to work.

Whatever.

I cried a little bit on my way back to work. I just wanted 5 minutes and she had at least 20 to spare.

SO I have the second half of my day here and by the time I get home, Princess Punk will be wrapped up in her friend that’s coming over and The Peach will be pissy and grumpy because our house is too hot and she’s been out all day and will likely not have had a nap.

Five minutes. That’s all.

Done venting now. Have to get back to my shitty day at work. Yay.

At least The Zen Master does too…

That’s what SHE said

My emotional/mental maturity seems to vary over the course of the day. Most of the time at work, and about half the time at home, I function at a level consistent with my actual age. I  will however, occasionally have random thought processes that are… immature I guess is the right word. I’m not complaining or upset about it or anything, merely making an observation.

Examples- (some of these are probably an overshare but… fukkit)

Coming out of the bathroom- “heehee I pooped.” (mental age- 5)

Someone says the word “third” at any point in any context- “That sounds like turd. Hahaha turd…” I will actually laugh out loud at that one which is occasionally awkward in the middle of an adult conversation. I honestly snorted just now writing it. (mental age- 8)

The following words or phrases ALWAYS make me giggle- “pussywillow,” “thrust,” “moist,” “sausage,” “coccyx,” “rectify,” “penal code,” I can’t get it in!,” “pianist” and “lube job” (mental age- 12)

Thank God The Zen Master is even worse than me.

In the words of Princess Punk-

TITTIES!

My sweet doofus

Texts received in the past 60 seconds-

  • Hey, just wanted to remind you that…
  • …you are beautiful
  • and U love yoy
  • You*
  • Crap
  • I love you

I think I just peed myself a little.

I have a big mouth.

Apparently, I am unable to filter my thoughts and ideas before they come spilling out of my mouth. I’m sure you have realized by now that I don’t hold anything back and I gotta say, it’s not just in my writing.

Part of me wishes I had a little bit more tact. I can be rude, inappropriate and sometimes even hurtful (although that is never my intention). I don’t tend to hesitate to tell someone if I think they’re acting like an asshole or if they’re being unfair or if they remind me of something totally off the wall and weird.

This tends to put people off. I think (at this point in my life at least) this is why I have so much trouble is social situations. When I talk, I’m loud, gregarious and somewhat obnoxious. I have a habit of talking myself up. I don’t have a big ego, in fact quite the opposite and I seem to voice how smart or accomplished I think I am (or want to appear I think I am… awkward sentence, sorry…) so people will agree with me and I don’t feel like such an idiot. I know I’m smart, but I do some really dumb shit and, like some hyperactive child, I seem to need constant reassurance of my awsomeness. Like in my head I’m that kid going, “Mom! Mom! Mommy! Lookit me! Watch this mom! Mom, Look! Look what I can do!”

And I interrupt people, I’m blunt, I’m opinionated and I’m not afraid to go on about my view on pretty much anything, no matter what kind of company I’m in. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to listen to other people’s opinions and I’m not going to blindly argue something to death but I will go on and on… and on about topics that actually mean something to me. And in my head I’m yelling at myself… “SHUT UP, don’t be such a know-it-all jackass!” But I can’t. And when I try to reign myself in, I basically end up not talking at all. So people tend to think I’m either very shy or obnoxiously loud. I have no happy middle-ground.

Then there’s the part of me that actually likes that I speak up. I like the fact that I am honest with people. That I don’t pull any punches (what the hell does that mean anyway?) and I won’t say anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face. I used to lie. A lot. About everything. For no apparent reason. Dunno why, I just did. Maybe it was just a way to protect myself from all the crap that was getting thrown at me in my life. Maybe it was because I din’t know myself and I didn’t really want to know because I was afraid I wouldn’t like me. Maybe it was because I could take the teasing and abuse and mistreatment because it wasn’t the real me people were manipulating. I don’t know. I probably never will. What I came to learn though, and it took a long time, was that lying is stupid. Being dishonest with people doesn’t get you anywhere. If people don’t know how you really feel about something, then nothing is going to change. EVER. I guess the best example I can think of (and seriously, I apologize ahead of time since it’s just… ummm… over the threshold?) is a woman faking the big “O.” Nobody gets what they want. The guy keeps on doing the same thing because he thinks he’s doing a good job and the woman keeps having to fake it because it’s just not really working for her. And why? To boost an ego? To “not hurt their feelings?” It’s dumb. Lay your cards on the table so everybody is on the same page. Tell the truth, be honest and it’s easier to make things work out. In life, not just in bed…

The Zen Master is quiet. And he’s a guy so even if he wasn’t quiet, he still would never talk about his feelings. And Princess Punk bottles everything up and is… well, 12 and she has unfortunately also developed a nasty habit of being dishonest. And then here I am, Overshare Queen, want to talk everything out, blunt to the point of bitch… I think I am driving them both crazy. Maybe The Peach will be obnoxious and loud-mouthed like me so I don’t feel like such a jerk… At the rate she’s going, she probably is taking after mommy, she’s the only bitchy and opinionated 5-month old I’ve ever known…

I can HEAR The Zen Master rolling his eyes at me.

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