I have a big mouth.

Apparently, I am unable to filter my thoughts and ideas before they come spilling out of my mouth. I’m sure you have realized by now that I don’t hold anything back and I gotta say, it’s not just in my writing.

Part of me wishes I had a little bit more tact. I can be rude, inappropriate and sometimes even hurtful (although that is never my intention). I don’t tend to hesitate to tell someone if I think they’re acting like an asshole or if they’re being unfair or if they remind me of something totally off the wall and weird.

This tends to put people off. I think (at this point in my life at least) this is why I have so much trouble is social situations. When I talk, I’m loud, gregarious and somewhat obnoxious. I have a habit of talking myself up. I don’t have a big ego, in fact quite the opposite and I seem to voice how smart or accomplished I think I am (or want to appear I think I am… awkward sentence, sorry…) so people will agree with me and I don’t feel like such an idiot. I know I’m smart, but I do some really dumb shit and, like some hyperactive child, I seem to need constant reassurance of my awsomeness. Like in my head I’m that kid going, “Mom! Mom! Mommy! Lookit me! Watch this mom! Mom, Look! Look what I can do!”

And I interrupt people, I’m blunt, I’m opinionated and I’m not afraid to go on about my view on pretty much anything, no matter what kind of company I’m in. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to listen to other people’s opinions and I’m not going to blindly argue something to death but I will go on and on… and on about topics that actually mean something to me. And in my head I’m yelling at myself… “SHUT UP, don’t be such a know-it-all jackass!” But I can’t. And when I try to reign myself in, I basically end up not talking at all. So people tend to think I’m either very shy or obnoxiously loud. I have no happy middle-ground.

Then there’s the part of me that actually likes that I speak up. I like the fact that I am honest with people. That I don’t pull any punches (what the hell does that mean anyway?) and I won’t say anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face. I used to lie. A lot. About everything. For no apparent reason. Dunno why, I just did. Maybe it was just a way to protect myself from all the crap that was getting thrown at me in my life. Maybe it was because I din’t know myself and I didn’t really want to know because I was afraid I wouldn’t like me. Maybe it was because I could take the teasing and abuse and mistreatment because it wasn’t the real me people were manipulating. I don’t know. I probably never will. What I came to learn though, and it took a long time, was that lying is stupid. Being dishonest with people doesn’t get you anywhere. If people don’t know how you really feel about something, then nothing is going to change. EVER. I guess the best example I can think of (and seriously, I apologize ahead of time since it’s just… ummm… over the threshold?) is a woman faking the big “O.” Nobody gets what they want. The guy keeps on doing the same thing because he thinks he’s doing a good job and the woman keeps having to fake it because it’s just not really working for her. And why? To boost an ego? To “not hurt their feelings?” It’s dumb. Lay your cards on the table so everybody is on the same page. Tell the truth, be honest and it’s easier to make things work out. In life, not just in bed…

The Zen Master is quiet. And he’s a guy so even if he wasn’t quiet, he still would never talk about his feelings. And Princess Punk bottles everything up and is… well, 12 and she has unfortunately also developed a nasty habit of being dishonest. And then here I am, Overshare Queen, want to talk everything out, blunt to the point of bitch… I think I am driving them both crazy. Maybe The Peach will be obnoxious and loud-mouthed like me so I don’t feel like such a jerk… At the rate she’s going, she probably is taking after mommy, she’s the only bitchy and opinionated 5-month old I’ve ever known…

I can HEAR The Zen Master rolling his eyes at me.


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