I am a total jackhole

The Zen Master is an extremely patient man.

He needs to be.

As I think I may have mentioned once or twice, we are totally broke. We pay the majority of our bills, including our mortgage out of my checking account since I have more income than he does.

Dream on Beast

The major problem with that is I am a complete ass when it comes to managing money. I have been doing (sorta) well, staying within my budget although I have bought lunch out and paid for pizza or chinese for dinner once or twice because it was too goddamn hot to cook. I’ve been pretty good with groceries and have been avoiding those “on-my-way-home” stops that seem to cost me my entire week’s grocery budget in two days. I still don’t know how I do that. My biggest problem the past few months? Forgetting to put stuff IN the budget. Like my $200 school loan payment. And the rental payment for Princess Punk’s clarinet. And the fact that it costs $60 to fill up my gas tank and I inevitably have to do that more often than I planned because I forgot Princess Punk had a doctor appointment in Burlington and one trip takes up as much gas as 2 round trips to work. And the copays for the various doctor appointments and prescriptions. And the fact that, oh yeah, we have pets that need food and shots and kitty litter.

And then I look at my checking account 5 days before the mortgage payment is going to hit and realize that I am THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS SHORT. And The Zen Master has to swoop in and bail me out. Which he can’t even completely do right now since he had a dentist appointment yesterday and we’ve already burned through our $1000 of coverage. So I have to go to my parents with my tail between my legs to see if there is any way they can float us $60 until I get paid next week.

And now I feel like a total jackhole. Because if I HAD actually paid attention to ALL of the stuff we have to pay for, even the seemingly insignificant things (although the school loan was not exactly insignificant, I still can’t figure out how I missed that one), then I might have sucked it up and cooked dinner in my 85 degree kitchen instead of picking up chinese food. And I might have passed on that $9 wrap because I forgot to bring my lunch. And I might have gotten the $2 grocery store frozen pizzas when Princess Punk had her friend over instead of getting $30 New York-style pizza from the place by my job.

No, that’s not right, he was always responsible. Damn him.

It wouldn’t be so bad if this was only an occasional thing but this seems to happen every month. My first check of the month is usually utilities and the big grocery shopping (generally when I buy meat… Heh… That’s what she said). My second check of the month is the one that screws me every time. There is always something I forgot and I end up short. It doesn’t help that all the big bills hit at once. I have 4 auto-payments that hit within 2 days at the end of the month and my mortgage payment comes out about 5 days later (before I get paid again). I am generally short on one bill or another and it’s totally my fault. Because I am too much of a ditz to balance my damn checkbook and make and stick to a realistic budget. We make decent money. Not a ton, but enough so that we should be able to cover our bills without completely going broke. But I still manage to f*ck it up. And the worst thing is The Zen Master is so patient with me. He huffs a little bit, but he holds stuff together and manages to fix most of my major financial screw-ups. And he is helping me be more fiscally responsible but I apparently still have a long way to go.

I am so angry with myself right now.

Cuz gas isn’t going to get any cheaper…


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