An open letter to… The Place where I just bought my dinner

Dear Drive-Thru-That-I-Will-Not-Use-The-Name-Of-Because-I-Don’t-Want-To-Get-Sued,

Let me start by saying…

EW. I was forced to go to your restaurant tonight because you are one of the 2 drive thru restaurants in town, I had my 10 month old in the car and I didn’t want donuts for dinner. Let me list the ways you managed to piss me off tonight.

1. A line. I realize this particular thing is not your fault, just bad timing on my part but it only served to annoy me even more about the remaining issues. Although, I suppose you might have sped things up by actually using the two order stations that you messed up my pharmacy parking lot in order to install. For TWO MONTHS.

2. The shake machine was broken. Which was irritating. And it made my husband sad.

3. I ordered, and I quote, the “two-for-a-dollar apple pies.” Which apparently are no longer two for a dollar. Which I would not have known at all unless it hadn’t shown up on the screen in front of me. It’s not like I am going to bitch about the extra 19 cents but it would have been nice if the girl who was taking my order had mentioned this change in pricing.

4. I also ordered your new “featured” burger. This was advertised to have cheddar and sauteed onions on it. When I finally received my hastily put together burger (as in one slice of the cheese and the burger patty were about halfway off the bun and glued to the side of the box, I wish I had taken a picture, it was an Epic Fail), it had 2 small pieces of onion stuck in a blobbet of whatever the condiment was which was squarely and solely in the center of the top bun. I’d say about a 1 inch diameter glob. And to complete the ick, American Cheese. I’m sorry, but wouldn’t this be considered false advertising? I don’t actually like American Cheese and I doubt I would have ordered the $5 burger (seriously? $5?) if I had known. It’s not like you could mistake one for the other… One is yummy and delicious, the other is gluey and tastes like paste.

5. I say “finally received my burger” because I had to sit outside your door and wait for my slightly-more-than-two-for-a-dollar apple pies. And you made the stellar choice to hang on to the rest of my food while I was waiting. Which left me with piping hot apple pies and lukewarm burger and fries. Which, as I’m sure you know, do not reheat well in a microwave.

6. The coup de grâce? This lukewarm burger and fries, slightly-more-than-two-for-a-dollar apple pies, 2 teeny “value menu” cheeseburgers for my husband, a large soda with so much ice in it I drank it in about 3 sips and NOT a chocolate shake for my man… Nearly THIRTEEN DOLLARS. Which is a dollar short of my coffee budget for the entire week.

My family is broke. We do not go out to eat very often, when we do it is usually out of necessity rather than a treat. However, just because we don’t eat in restaurants for special occasions, doesn’t mean we are okay with eating crap. In fact, it makes it even more aggravating and downright distressing when we spend our hard-earned and carefully budgeted money on something so utterly unpleasant.

And I ate it. I ate the sticky, microwaved burger and the stale, soggy fries and my apple pie. Because I didn’t have time to take the “food” back to your restaurant and ask them to fix it. And because I was so incensed that I was near tears and I didn’t feel like crying over a damned hamburger in front of a kid who makes minimum wage and who probably would rather be anywhere else. And because, besides ramen noodles, I didn’t have anything else to eat that wouldn’t require at least 30 minutes to prepare. And because I was starved because I hadn’t eaten much all day. And because I was damned sure I wasn’t going to throw out food I just spent my coffee budget on even if it was gross.

So thank you. Thank you very much Drive-Thru-That-I-Will-Not-Use-The-Name-Of-Because-I-Don’t-Want-To-Get-Sued. Thank you for ending my particularly taxing day on a sour note. Make that a lukewarm, greasy, sticky, soggy, squishy note.

That “Thank you” was sarcastic by the way. The tone doesn’t always come across in writing, especially when the reader is a big stupid doody-head.

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