I don’t even know…

I’m not even sure how to start this post.

I’m still in a bit of shock.

Ok. A lot of shock. Like… A LOT.

I saw a facebook post from Sperm Donor’s sister yesterday saying how glad she was to get a letter from him and she was praying for him. Knowing SD is not exactly what you would call, “literate,” I assumed he had been incarcerated yet again. I decided to look into it a bit more since the last time he got out of jail, he decided he wanted to call Princess Punk, though thankfully, he did not have her number. I figured it would be a good idea to have a heads up as to when he might be released so I could monitor the phone and whatnot. I cyberstalked him a little bit. Really as a preemptive measure, but it still felt kinda skeevy. I know his facebook name alias because I had blocked it from our profiles. So I looked on his page… Nada. I looked a little bit more on his sister’s page and found a link, posted about a month ago. The link was to a news story. Sperm Donor, along with 2 other men, had been indicted for First-Degree Murder. Let me say that again… indicted for First-Degree Murder.

I… Just… I mean… Wow.

I’m not going to post the link or an specifics here because honestly, I’d rather not be associated with any of this in any way. Given the nature of the crime and the fact that it seems to be a bit higher-profile than some of the other murders the news there reports on (again, happy I live here and not there), I would be extremely surprised if the State of Florida did not seek the death penalty.

I spent a good portion of my night flipping back and forth between utter astonishment and worry about how I was going to tell my daughter that someone she shared half her DNA with (and that is ALL) was an alleged murderer. I knew I had to tell her because she would find out about it one way or another. She is facebook friends with his sister and she texts her half-sister on occasion. I didn’t want her to hear it from them, I wanted her to hear it from me.

I talked to her briefly this morning…

“Have you talked to HalfSister recently?”

“Yeah.”

“Has she said anything about Sperm Donor?”

“I dunno, I guess he’s in jail again.”

“Do you know why?”

“Nah” (verbose, right?)

“Well, I found out last night he was charged with first-degree murder.”

“Hunh. That’s pretty bad.” (understatement much?)

“I just want you to know that the only thing you share with him is some DNA. That’s it ok?”

“I know Mom.”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure.”

“How are you feeling about this?”

“I dunno. I guess… Whatever. I’m ok.”

And that was it.

And about an hour later, it hit me. Because I had spent 5 years of my youth thinking I was in love with this man. I wanted to have his baby. A part of me will always love him, no matter what, because he gave me her.

And it made me sick. Like, I almost threw up. I honestly think Princess Punk is going to be okay. It’s probably going to be weird and she may need to deal with some shit, but since The Zen Master came into her life, SD is just not her father. At all. And it makes me that much more thankful to have this wonderful man, because before he came along, The Princess referred to SD as “Daddy.”And that would have been horrible.

I’m still kind of just… stunned. It’s going to take a little while to actually wrap my head around this. It’s not like we have had any contact with him at all in the past… I dunno, 5 years or so? I’ve been careful to keep a slightly higher level of privacy than your average person to avoid any contact. Not that I wouldn’t be easy to find with a quick look, but I assumed he never had the intelligence or motivation to bother. So it’s kind of weird figuring out how I feel about all this. Part of me is honestly kind of relieved. Which is a horrible thing to say because some poor woman is dead. But I am fairly secure in the fact that he will never bother us again. Ever. And part of me is sad, because I knew he was headed in a bad direction. I was expecting to get a call or an email or read a facebook post that he had died of a drug overdose or been locked up for dealing or something of that nature. Maybe even assault. But Murder? Never crossed my mind.

But the rest of my feelings? No clue. I can’t figure out how I feel about this.

Can’t say my life is boring…

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