Sneaky sneaky…

Whatever the hell this virus/flu/cold/clusterfuck is,¬† it’s kinda pissing me off. I keep thinking it’s no problem and then it sneaks up behind me and pokes my lungs so I cough violently until I gag on something gross expelled from God knows where. Yuck. I really don’t need to know what my lungs taste like.

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The Peach is quite amused by my copious hacking and trumpeting tissue usage.

I had to blow my nose this morning while getting ready for work.

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The Peach sat in the middle of my bed grinning and telling me all about her dream last night. Or what she wanted for breakfast. Or how cool My Little Pony is. Whatever she was talking about, she was extremely enthusiastic and… Loud. Anyway. When I blew my nose, she stopped mid sentence (or babble, whatever), looked at me, wrinkled her little nose and grinned hugely. And then she slapped her hand over her mouth and nose and attempted to imitate the cacophony of brass instruments hidden under my tissue.
And then she chortled. And clapped because she was so clever and funny.

And then she wiped her hands on my pillow.
Nice one.

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Yay! Grown ups!

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The Zen Master had his annual staff party at work tonight. We brought the girls, and while it was a “family friendly” party, I got to have grown up conversation and eat grown up food (can you say free sushi? Yum) and drink grown up drinks (also free) and play pool!
I SO needed that!
Slightly buzzed and going to bed. Although I’m tempted to molester my husband first… Overshare?

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Happy Birthday Daddy!

My Dad turned 66 today… And The Peach took her first steps… Which is awesome, especially since Princess Punk took her first steps on My Mom’s birthday… My girls have pretty good timing ūüôā

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Yay!!!!!!

Not fair!

I got my stupid flu shot.
My head is splitting.
My throat hurts.
My eyes are burning.
I’m going back to bed.
Just in time for my paid holiday.
MURTHERFURKER

I don’t even know…

I’m not even sure how to start this post.

I’m still in a bit of shock.

Ok. A lot of shock. Like… A LOT.

I saw a facebook¬†post from Sperm Donor’s sister yesterday saying how glad she was to get a letter from him and she was praying for him. Knowing SD is not exactly what you would call, “literate,” I assumed he had been incarcerated¬†yet again. I decided to look into it a bit more since the last time he got out of jail, he decided he wanted to call Princess Punk, though thankfully, he did not have her number. I figured it would be a good idea to have a heads up as to when he might be released so I could monitor the phone and whatnot. I cyberstalked¬†him a little bit. Really as a preemptive measure, but it still felt kinda skeevy. I know his facebook name alias because I had blocked it from our profiles. So I looked on his page… Nada. I looked a little bit more on his sister’s page and found a link, posted about a month ago. The link was to a news story. Sperm Donor, along with 2 other men, had been indicted for First-Degree Murder. Let me say that again… indicted for First-Degree Murder.

I… Just… I mean… Wow.

I’m not going to post the link or an specifics here because honestly, I’d rather not be associated with any of this in any way. Given the nature of the crime and the fact that it seems to be¬†a bit higher-profile than some of the other murders the news there reports on (again, happy I live here and not there),¬†I would be extremely surprised if the State of Florida did not seek the death penalty.

I spent a good portion of my night flipping back and forth between utter astonishment and worry about how I was going to tell my daughter that someone she shared half her DNA with (and that is ALL) was an alleged murderer. I knew I had to tell her because she would find out about it one way or another. She is facebook friends with his sister and she texts her half-sister on occasion. I didn’t want her to hear it from them, I wanted her to hear it from me.

I talked to her briefly this morning…

“Have you talked to HalfSister recently?”

“Yeah.”

“Has she said anything about Sperm Donor?”

“I dunno, I guess he’s in jail again.”

“Do you know why?”

“Nah” (verbose, right?)

“Well, I found out last night he was charged with first-degree murder.”

“Hunh. That’s pretty bad.” (understatement much?)

“I just want you to know that the only thing you share with him is some DNA. That’s it ok?”

“I know Mom.”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure.”

“How are you feeling about this?”

“I dunno. I guess… Whatever. I’m ok.”

And that was it.

And about an hour later, it hit me. Because I had spent 5 years of my youth thinking I was in love with this man. I wanted to have his baby. A part of me will always love him, no matter what, because he gave me her.

And it made me sick. Like, I almost threw up. I honestly think Princess Punk is going to be okay. It’s probably going to be weird and she may need to deal with some shit, but since The Zen Master came into her life, SD is just not her father. At all. And it makes me that much more thankful to have this wonderful man, because before he came along, The Princess referred to SD as “Daddy.”And that would have been horrible.

I’m still kind of just… stunned. It’s going to take a little while to actually wrap my head around this. It’s not like we have had any contact with him at all in the past… I dunno, 5 years or so? I’ve been careful to keep a slightly higher level of privacy than your average person to avoid any contact. Not that I wouldn’t be easy to find with a quick look, but I assumed he never had the intelligence or motivation to bother. So it’s kind of weird figuring out how I feel about all this. Part of me is honestly kind of relieved. Which is a horrible thing to say because some poor woman is dead. But I am fairly secure in the fact that he will never bother us again. Ever. And part of me is sad, because I knew he was headed¬†in a bad direction. I was expecting to get a call or an email or read a facebook post that he had died of a drug overdose or been locked up for dealing or something of that nature. Maybe even assault. But Murder? Never crossed my mind.

But the rest of my feelings? No clue. I can’t figure out how I feel about this.

Can’t say my life is boring…

Potty-Mouth Mommy strikes again

Phone call from one of Princess Punk’s teachers earlier today (well, technically, yesterday, since I’m scheduling this to post tomorrow).

“Hi, I’m just calling to let you know, um… Well, I guess Princess Punk was a little rambunctious coming to class after lunch and she was kind of… Talkative with her friends. And she was talking with them but I guess it slipped out and it was in the front of the room and she said it rather loudly so others could hear it. She used some rather… Inappropriate language. And I took her out of class and I explained to her why that was not an appropriate thing to say in class. And I also did discuss this matter with Principal Useless to determine the best course of action at this point. She did get written up, but I wanted to just call you and let you know. (big pause) The um… Language she used was, (bigger pause… I swear I could hear her looking around to see if anyone was listening) ‘butt-fucking motherfucker.’ “

I had to pinch myself to keep from laughing.

I advised her I would be talking to The Princess about using appropriate language in school and ended the phone call before I giggled in her ear. Then I texted Princess Punk and let her know that she had been told several times that although I don’t care what kind of language she uses at home, it is not OK to say stuff like that in public. Especially school. The behavioral therapist has emphsized that a punishment should not be meted out unless specifically set before the screw-up. And should be upheld when it is. Since The Potty-Mouth Princess had not been warned about this prior to her faux pas, I told her, if I got another call like that she would lose her phone for 4 days. To which she meekly agreed.

Bad, BAD Mommy.

I think we both put a quarter in the swear jar for that one.

Setting a good example… Or not.

This morning, I leaned in to give Princess Punk a kiss good-bye.

And she punched me in the stomach.

Not hard, not to be¬†mean, just a playful poke. Ew. Anyway, she punches me in the stomach and… I farted. Which was freaking hilarious. And I turned to The Zen Master and said, “I tried to give her a kiss goodbye and she punched me in the stomach and I farted!” As if by some miracle he hadn’t witnessed (and smelled) the whole exchange since he was standing right behind me.

Princess Punk retorts from the kitchen, “I wasn’t trying to make your butt explode mom…”

The Zen Master leans over and says,

“If I punched you in the taco would you queef?” Wow. can’t believe I just actually typed that.

Princess Punk overhears him and goes… “Heh… Taco fart.”

My first thought was how in the hell does my 13-year-old know what a queef is… And then I remembered. I told her.

Way to set the curve Mom.imnottotallyuselessLOGO

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