Ask and ye shall receive

In respect to our financial situation lately, we’ve really been struggling. A lot. Everything seems to be piling up at once and because of our still empty savings account, we’ve been falling deeper and deeper into a deep, dark hole of this-sucks.

But this week, I got reminded that people care about me and my family and accepting help when you really need it is not a bad thing.

Because we got thrown a rope. Actually, two ropes.

 

Oh. Wow. Too sappy. Sorry.

Oh. Wow. Too sappy. Sorry.

In the past 3 days, we’ve received financial contributions from 2 different friends. The first, a gift from friends who saw how much we are struggling right now and, because they are able, cut us a check to help out. It was reluctantly welcomed with some tears and a lot of hugs. While I felt somewhat guilty and awkward accepting it, I took it with as much grace as I could muster with snot threatening to run out of my nose. Oh. Ew. Anyway, I was assured that this was a gift made out of love and not charity and that they are pretty much family anyway and this is what family does.  

Then, last night, my friend, the one who I was kinda whining about awhile ago, texted me to let me know she had gotten her tax return and the first thing she wanted to do was to pay me back the money I gave her whenever ago. She transferred the money to my paypal account and then, transferred some more. When I told her I didn’t feel like I could borrow anything from her because I knew she was a single mom and had her own set of trouble sometimes, she replied-

“I’m not expecting to be paid back, I’m fine, I promise I have money set aside to handle my stuff. It’s not borrowing, I’m giving. Call it interest on what you let me borrow.”

And then I cried some more.

I’m not exactly sure why I have so much trouble accepting financial help from anyone. I don’t think it’s pride. I’m the first to admit that yes, we really do need help and yes, things are kinda shitty right now.

Uh... Yup.

Uh… Yup.

I think it’s mostly guilt. Guilt because I spent a good portion of my youth “borrowing” money from my parents (generally without their knowledge) and doing COMPLETELY irresponsible things with it. Because I had a kid at 20 from a person who had neither the means nor the intention to make any sort of contribution to her life. Because I had no sense of financial restraint when I was in college and I spent money on things I didn’t need and required frequent bail-outs. Because whenever my parents gave me any sort of help, solicited or not, it was either accompanied by a lecture and/or annoyance/anger from My Dad or followed within a day or two by budget lamentations and regrets (not directed at me specifically but with a definite undertone of “your fault“) from My Mom. Now, their financial situation is pretty effing bad; big mortgage, fixed income, medical bills, dwindling retirement fund etc… And I only ask for help when we’re really desperate and I pay it back as soon as I can. And I still feel bad.

Yeah... Kinda like that

Yeah… Kinda like that

And also, there’s the general, there-are-so-many-people-out-there-that-need-this-more-than-us thing. I feel awful complaining about being broke when we have jobs, and a home, and health insurance, and food on the table, and cars, and each other. So many many many people have none of that. And I feel guilty accepting money when there are so many families struggling out there who need it so much more than we do.

But right now? I’m going to squash the guilt as much as I possibly can.imagesCA3XG626

Because now, we can pay off the electric bill and get some kerosene to heat the house and still be able to pay the mortgage and buy groceries. And, as long as the truck repair isn’t huge, we can cover that too. Although we’re not entirely out of the hole, at least we can see the light. Now we can scrape and pull a little more and maybe, just maybe reach the edge and crawl out.

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