OK… So I love my Peach. But babies make it necessary to engage in verbal exchanges that should never EVER happen. Remember the diaper rash relief outfit?

She looks like a fat midget streetwalker

She looks like a fat midget streetwalker


This is the resulting conversation… Or whatever since you can hardly call a string of frantically uttered grosstastic phrases “conversation.”

Zen Master – “Oh NOOOOOOO! OH MY GOD!”

Me – “What’s wro… Oh Jesus.”

“Oh! Oh gross.”

“Princess Punk! Turn on your bath NOW! And get a towel and a washcloth…(to The Zen Master) Strip her and bring her into the bathroom and I’ll get it off the floor. Oh Ewwwwwwww… I think some of it is under the couch.”

Princess Punk – (still standing in the hall having done nothing I just told her) “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Your sister just shit on the floor and then smeared her hand in it, now GO RUN THE GODDAMN BATH!”



“That’s gross.”


“Ohkaaay… Jeez.”

(The Zen Master is standing in the hallway looking distressed with a cheerfully wriggling naked Peach, hooked under the armpits as far away from his own body as possible) “Um…”

“Just keep her hands out of her mouth, I’ll be there in a sec. PRINCESS! Go get me some more paper towels.”

After a gag-worthy clean up in the living room, on to the bathroom…

“Get me some wipes so she doesn’t smear poop on the tu… Too late. Ugh. I think it’s under her fingernails now. Really? How does the hot water run out that fast? At least I got it all scrubbed off her but now she’s covered in soap. NO! Don’t rub your eye dummy! Yes. That hurts doesn’t it? For fuck’s sake. YOUR daughter. Get the towel ready, her lips are turning blue.”

“Mo-omm! I’m not getting the poopy socks off my sink. You do it.”

“Just hang on. Shine the flashlight on the floor there to make sure I got all of it… Oh, ew, she got it on the frog. I’m so bleaching that.”

And then? Then I made dinner. Good times.


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