Manipulation… Manipulaayyayyshun… Is makin’ me late…

Funny? Corny. Sorry.

The Peach has discovered the finer points of Mommy Manipulation. Not that she hasn’t been working on it for awhile now, and she’s had The Zen Master wrapped around her chubby little pinky since birth… But she’s really turning it into an art form now.

I got irritated with her last night. No. Correction. I got Majorly Fucking Pissed Off with her last night. Let me set the scene…

All of us sitting in the living room, The Peach scuttling around on the floor. There were toys EVERYWHERE. Like Melissa and Doug backed a dump truck into our living room and unleashed a load of random puzzle pieces, dolls, stuffed animals and various plastic thingys that make extremely irritating and sometimes creepy noises. Princess Punk was finishing her dinner, The Zen Master was on his netbook and I was playing Bubble Blast on my phone. We were all absentmindedly watching The Peach and the TV. Just to Clarify before you get all “That’s What You Get” about our parenting skills… It was 8:30pm and well past Peach’s bedtime. We’d been entertaining her all day with little or no success and she was bored with us. So we figured we’d let her play it out until she got tired enough for Mommy to Bring The Rain. Oh, and my everpresent headache was massively bad.

The sequence of events leading to my pissed-offedness…

  1. scuttlescuttle Mommy’s Snow Boots… “No no honey, put that down.”
  2. Relocate The Peach, provide fun baby toy, Re-establish barrier to shoes
  3. scuttlescuttle Princess Punk’s Sneakers… “Peach, No.”
  4. Mommy’s Snow Boots… “Goddammit, No!”
  5. Relocate Peach, provide fun baby toy, Re-establish and Reinforce shoe barrier
  6. Shoe Barrier- PokePoke, Push, Pout, clench fists, “Eh!”
  7. scuttlescuttle Turn off TV… “Hey!”
  8. Turn on TV… “Peach! Come here! Cut that out!”
  9. Look over shoulder… “Nuh Nuh Nuh” Turn off TV
  10. Turn on/off/on TV… “Motherfucker”
  11. Relocate Peach, provide fun baby toy, Re-establish barrier to television
  12. (didn’t even see this one until it was too late) Princess Punk’s mashed potatoes – squissshhh “PEACH! NO! Mo-ooooom!”
  13. Relocate Peach, locate paper towels, clean hands, face, floor, provide fun baby toy, curse vehemently under breath
  14. Zen Master goes to the bathroom
  15. I go into the kitchen to get the mashed potatoes from under my cuticles
  16. Gleeful cackle
  17. “Princess! Are you watching her at all??? Get her away from Daddy’s computer!”
  18. “Peach NO!” Stomp into living room to prevent catastrophic Zen Master meltdown secondary to hardware destruction
  19. More gleeful cackles scrabblescrabblescrabble
  20. Turn on/off/on TV… “You little shit… ”
  21. Rather forcefully relocate Peach.
  22. Pout. Sniff.
  23. scuttlescuttle Hand in Princess Punk’s water glass… “GODDAMMIT, CUT IT OUT!”

At this point, I think I may have had enough steam coming out of my ears to power a small engine.

I sit on the couch, glaring at the small person squatting in the middle of my living room wondering when her real mother is going to come get her because she cannot possibly be my kid.

And then… She shakily stands up and drunkenly totters over to me with arms outstretched.

“Mommmm? Mommmeeee? Up-p-p-p-p??” looks me right in the eye and smacks her lips… “MmmmmmmmmmMAH!!” And hugs me. And sighs.

God. Damn. It.

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