No, I didn’t die.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I haven’t posted in a while. And it’ll be a bit longer until I start back up again.

My jaw surgery is on April 10th and up until that time, it is taking every single fucking ounce of stamina, strength, endurance, whatever to make it through a work day. I spend the majority of the weekend in bed. The pain level in my jaw, radiating into my neck, shoulders, upper back, head and now even my arms and lower back has completely taken over my brain. I can just barely muster up enough brain power to get through a work day. I am miserable because I am the perfectionist/the over-acheiver/anal-retentive/ambitious/zealous/meticulous/diligent/insert other word for anal-retentive here and although I seem to be doing an adequate job, it’s nowhere near the standards I set for myself.

By the time I get home, I have little to no patience with the girls, I’m snappy and irritated with The Zen Master, I’m exhausted and angry and tired of feeling like a goddamn victim. Not to mention the fact that I feel totally and competely useless. I can’t even bend over to pick up The Peach, it’s pathetic. Princess Punk was horsing around the other night and made the mistake of touching my face (she was actually wiping Peach drool on me) which threw me into a weeping ball on my bed, curled up and shaking. By the time I was sane enough to sit up, my poor daughter was sitting resolutely next to me trying very very hard not to cry because she hurt me. I felt so shitty for being such a freaking drama queen that my reaction (involantary as it may have been) made my teenager feel so bad that she wanted to cry. I had a muscle spasm at the base of my head so bad the other night it caused a knot that was so hard it felt like my skull was actually protruding in that spot. As in the muscle was so tight that it felt like part of the bone. And as I sat on my bed trying really hard not to cry, The Peach wiggled over to me and said “Mommmama?” and (somewhat awkwardly) rubbed my back.

So I basically come home from work, lay down on the couch and play on my phone. I generally don’t even have enough thought coherence to play solitare or Words With Friends, I just play stupid jewel drop or bubble pop-type games while I wait for the valium to kick in enough that I can bear to put my head down on the pillow.

And so that’s it. I’m unlikely to post again until the surgery. My surgeon assures me that other than the general post-op pain I should have some immediate relief. The arthroplasty on the left side will be more involved and take some more healing time, but he said that about 85% of people who undergo that surgery have an almost complete resolution of pain. The right side pain will resolve completely but may only be temporary since the problem is actual bone deterioration and may continue to worsen over time to the point where I will need a complete joint replacement in a few years. But he said that’s not always the case and the left sided repair will likely prevent more bone loss on the right since the actual joint mechanism will be more normal. And even if it did get worse it would be a couple years down the road before it became an issue again.

So basically, I have 2 more weeks. And I’m going to suck it up till then. But I’m not going to post. Because if I have enough brain power/energy to do that, I’d really rather use it on my family.

See ya’ll soon!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. 5kidswdisabilities
    Mar 28, 2013 @ 18:36:13

    Good to see you back!


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