The Toddler Mandates

I’ve been through this already. I had a toddler just a decade ago… Wait… That is a long time isn’t it? I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been so long or if it’s because Princess Punk was such an easygoing kid and The Peach is… Not. I seem to be learning new rules and mandates every day that must be followed in order to prevent anarchy and mass chaos. Or at least the total destruction of our home and all our property.

Here are just a few of the unspoken rules for the caretakers of the miniature Whirling Dervish, AKA, The Peach…

  • Do not bother saying “No” unless you are expeditiously on your way over there to take whatever it is she’s not supposed to have out of her hand. Otherwise the (mulch/pebble/dog food/dog hair/paper/electronic device/crayon/WTF is that anyway?) will be hastily crammed into a mouth clamped so tight you need a crowbar to get it open.
  • Do not say “Give me that” or, “Can I have that?” unless you have a paper towel handy. It WILL be slimy.
  • Protect any sensitive areas of your body within range of hands, feet and head. Her moveable body parts move unexpectedly and are apparently made of lead. Crazy Girl was once the victim of a cranial attack from her nephew. He was fine. She broke a tooth.
  • Unless covered in some substance that would necessitate furniture shampooing upon exposure, bath time should be reserved for the VERY end of the day. Otherwise it is a completely wasted effort.
  • Do not attempt to put her in the crib until she passes The Arm Test. Lift her arm three times and drop it. If it falls with a boneless thump every time, you’re good. Any hint of residual muscle activity? You might as well just suck it up and endure the sweaty lump of child in the middle of your bed for another hour.
  • When getting ready to leave the house, give yourself 30 more minutes than you think you need. That way you’ll only be fashionably late as opposed to an asshole.
  • Constantly scan area for prohibited items. If there is a (cell phone/remote control/glass of liquid/candy wrapper/purse/bottle/diabetic supply kit) anywhere at all in her general viscinity, she will find it. And attempt to (eat/drink/break/feed it to the dog), generally accomplished before you can get to her.
  • Do NOT get in between her and The Street. If you deign to step between The Peach and a television set featuring an annoyingly happy, fuzzy, red, blue or orange Muppet cousin you will get yelled at with a stream of imaginative but completely nonsensical toddler curses.
  • Don’t try to play with her unless she initiates. If you interrupt her serious pondering of the square wooden puzzle piece or attempt to assist her acrchitectural endevour with plastic blocks, you will be reprimanded and possibly smacked.
  • Observe but, unless medically necessary, do not react to; gagging, head slamming, hitting, pinching, screaming or pouting.
  • There is a difference between engine noise (bbbbrrrrrrrrbbbb) and spitting (pppppbbbbttthhh) and she knows it.
  • Do not teach her funny noises or actions that could be miscontrued outside the inner circle. Fake snoring looks a lot like motorboating Mommy’s boobs.
  • Princess Punk is NOT an acceptable babysitter when there is ready access to the internet, her nook or text messaging. I once watched The Peach attempt to skydive off the arm of the couch, 6 inches away from The Princess.
  • Do not offer more than one type of food at a time and make sure Fairy Dog is readily available. Food must be eaten in sequence, not all together. Both hot dogs and macaronis are favorites but, given at the same time will result in a food missile aimed at your head or an adamant release over the side of the tray. Variety is fun, but not on the floor.
  • Related to the aforementioned food rule; do not bother wiping her up until she is done eating AND out of the high chair. Even if it looks like there is no food or drink there, she will find something and proceed to mash it into her hair.
  • When fixing a plate for yourself, add 25-30% more than you think you will eat. It will either end up eaten by a voracious Peach or scooped up by Fairy Dog when it hits the floor.
  • When in public places with walls and a roof (grocery store, mall, doctor’s office, etc.), prepare to be embarassed. When grocery shopping last week, she decided that 5 minutes was long enough and it was time to leave. She then spent the next 20 minutes yelling “BUH-BYE BUH BYE BYEEEEEE BUHBYE” and the top of her larger-than-normal-capacity lungs.
  • Take it all with a grain of salt and ask her “where’s your nose?” followed by “where’s your mouth?” and watch her stick her finger up her nose and then put it in her mouth. And take pictures while she does it.

First boy she brings home gets to see those… Payback’s a bitch.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

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    Mar 30, 2015 @ 13:22:56

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