More Toddler Mandates

OK, so chatting with My Mom today left me pondering some more of the “rules to live by” necessitated by my very own midget spawn.

  • That look she gives you before putting something in her mouth is not asking permission, nor is it a warning. It’s a dare. “I know I can eat this before you can get over here… Go ahead, try it .”
  • Take some Advil before taking her anywhere. She will either insist on being carried which will kill your back, or she will insist on walking, holding 2-3 of your fingers in a vice grip as you stumble, stooped behind her. Which will kill your back.
  • Be careful when removing overalls after a romp outside . Stuff falls out. Cheerios, pebbles, a mildly chewed tissue… Oh Christ, what the hell is that? It’s like opening a mystery box, you never know what you’re going to get.
  • Be extra careful when removing a diaper after a romp outside. Stuff doesn’t fall out. Stuff gets stuck in odd places. I don’t think there is ever a circumstance where it’s okay to have mulch in the crack of your ass.
  • Pick up the dog’s water bowl. It will become a play pool for her and a 20 minute clean up for you.
  • Pick up the dog’s food. Kibble is yummy.
  • Toys go in the playpen. So do binkies, shoes, car keys, remote controls and forks. If you’re missing something, look there first.
  • Pick your battles. I’d rather give her rice pudding for dinner and have her sleep through the night as opposed to her throwing green beans at my head and waking up at 2 am, starving and extremely cranky.
  • Apparently you can comb your hair with anything. Fork, tissue, Princess Punk’s disgusting old flip-flop… All can be meticulously wiped on any crown within reach whilst crooning “Coh coh cooooh…”
  • Lotrimin mixed with vaseline can be used (sparingly) in place of diaper ointment. Yes. My toddler has jock itch.
  • Trim nails before playing “The Tickle Game.” Otherwise you will end up with teeny-tiny little claw marks all over your arms, legs, stomach, and if especially lucky, boobs.
  • Be aware of vowels. “Meemee,” “Muh,” “Maaaaaaaa,” ‘Mumumum,” and “Mo?” are five seperate and completely different words. And God help you if you hand her off to My Mom instead of giving her her binky.
  • Pitch changes signify urgency. The more piercing the request, the more likely ignoring it will result in an ear-splitting siren.
  • If at first she doesn’t succeed? Ask Sissy. Princess Punk will do anything. Including, but not limited to, giving her candy, ice cream, tennis balls, hair bows, paper towels, string and dog hair, stripping her naked in my bed and swinging her through the air with gravity defying, heart-stopping abandon.
I think my 15-month-old just facepalmed me.

I think my 15-month-old just facepalmed me.


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