It’s a conspiracy

I think toymakers are attempting to drive parents of toddlers batshit crazy. Ok. I think toymakers are attempting to drive parents of toddlers even more batshit crazy.

I started to formulate my theory over a decade ago when Princess Punk was a grinning, silly, squishable toddler. She had a lot of toys. Dolls and stuffed animals and puzzles and even a set of beautiful wooden blocks that I had when I was little. But one of her favorites?

I seeeeee youuuuu...

I seeeeee youuuuu…

A talking tool bench. It was kinda cute actually. Little plastic hammer and saw and she totally adored it. It had some smiley-face nails on the side and she pushed them down and they screeched, “Wheeeeee! Here we go again!” Which in itself wasn’t awful, but did get irritating when she did it over and over and over and over and over and… You get the picture. The crazy-making part? About 5-10 minutes after she stopped playing with it, it would shout out “Don’t forget to put your tools away!” No one in the room. And it would somehow get activated with the slightest bump. I’d put away her toys with no objection from Mr. Tool Bench. Completely silent as I tidied up (or just picked stuff off the floor and put it in the closet). Then, I’m sitting in the bathroom peeing and a jovial man in the next room pipes up about my housekeeping skills. Fucking terrifying.

The Peach has a few as well. They’re all incredibly annoying and can be completely random in their activation. She has a storybook/nursery rhyme thingy that sings happy little tunes when you press a button. Some of them I think they made up completely. Everybody knows “Hickory Dickory Dock” (which always makes me giggle) but, “The big baboon by the light of the moon, was combing her auburn hair!” Ummm… Ohkay… Well, I just googled it and apparently it is a kids’ song, but still…

 There’s the talking phone. Which I think exists in every toddler household in one form or another. This is The Peach’s current favorite. She presses the buttons and dances spastically and claps her hands and squeals. It’s adorable. I wouldn’t mind the toy at all, I think it does a great job showing numbers but it tends to interject it’s desires at odd intervals. Sitting there in the middle of dinner the toy basket suddenly pleads, “Help me call my friends?” It’s enough to make one choke on their mashed potatoes. Princess Punk spent a good 5-10 minutes in the living room last night screwing around with it to her sister’s gleeful amusement. She’d jump, stamping her rather large feet on the floor next to the depressed phone. The phone would say “One!! ~doot~” and The Peach would giggle hysterically.

"Time to Play!" Um...No.

“Let’s Play!” Um…No.

Maybe it just wanted to make her laugh… I try to do so at every opportunity and I’m not lonely like the poor little man trapped inside the phone…

 Oh, and the Devil Dog. This one is (thankfully) at My Mom’s house. This fucking toy… I think it was designed by Satan. It sings creepy songs and says creepy things and will say, “I Love you” in a very stalkerish way 20 minutes after you swear you turned it off. We should have known better. All of the other toys at the store had the batteries in them already so you could hear what they sounded like. Devil Dog just sat there silently, looking all innocent and educational with no indication of the demonic forces within. I cringe every time The Peach takes it out of the toy box.

Not so cute anymore.

Not so cute anymore.

Finally, and perhaps the most nefarious… Boo. It was SO adorable when we first bought it for Princess Punk so many years ago. It babbled and giggled that awesome baby giggle that’s like crack. And it wasn’t ridiculously annoying. But then… Then it turned to the Dark Side. I pulled it out of storage awhile ago and gave it to The Peach to play with. My youngest is apparently a better judge of the character of toys than myself or her sister because she was instantly terrified of it. Over the next few months, Boo continued to decompensate and started interjecting her 5 phrases that suddenly had warped from cute to downright scary. “Kitty comes along, bladuherringsong, wadulumenkine…” At least, that’s what her musical intrusion sounds like. Followed by a loudly exclaimed “Mike Wazowski!” Whic is kind of odd in the middle of Supernatural. Although I guess “Jared Padalecki!” is much harder to say. In my de-cluttering this past weekend, I decided I’d had enough of the scary little doll and threw her out. I didn’t even put her in the Goodwill box. Why subject another family to the terror? Yesterday I got this text from The Zen Master…

“Omg boo laughed randomly from the garbage”

Okay... Well she DOES look kinda creepy.

Okay… Well she DOES look kinda creepy.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. My Mom
    May 14, 2013 @ 15:01:51

    you forgot the alphabet caterpillar who also randomly calls out. I think DoobieDog has figured out how to jiggle it just right to get it to say “buh…buh…buh..Bee”


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