Got a short?

Ok… In Non-Florida-Ghetto-Language… Can I have a cigarette?

I quit 4 years ago. When I smoked, it wasn’t that much, I’d go through a pack or two a week depending on whether or not I went to the bar. I quit because The Zen Master doesn’t smoke and he wouldn’t kiss me when I did. And because Princess Punk complained. And because Newport-Lights-100’s-in-a-box went up to $6 a pack.

When I was in Florida I smoked more, maybe 2-3 packs a week. Mostly because I started smoking more when I worked the overnight shift at the Hyatt and would chain smoke all the way home in order to stay awake then after I quit, I continued to smoke that amount because I was hanging out more. Plus, cigarettes were cheaper. Princess Punk always hated it and at one point, at the tender age of 4, actually flushed an entire pack down the toilet and said in explanation, “I don’t want you to die Mommy.” That actually did make me quit for a little while at least.

Since I quit I hadn’t really been missing it too much. Occasionally, if I’m drinking, I miss it, more for the habit of having a cig in one hand and a drink in the other. And driving. Lately though? For some reason it’s been kinda nagging in the back of my mind for the past few months. Stress maybe? Yesterday, Princess Punk was being a little shit and I got yet another call from the school warning of an impending suspension for “inappropriate behavior.” She apparently pulled one kid’s pants down, one kid’s skirt up and tried to de-pants a third. Retaliation for teasing according to her. Which doesn’t make it okay of course. The kid is dealing with some serious boundary issues. I spent a good hour talking to the school counselor trying to figure out what the fuck to do with her. Because at the moment I’m completely stumped. At least the school knows that we’re trying to deal with the problem and are not writing us of as shitty parents. Still, the school counselor did ask if there was a possibility of abuse, past or present. I explained the utter craptastic parenting I’d exposed my eldest to when she was younger and although it wasn’t technically abuse, I’m pretty sure it’s a good part of the reason behind our current “issues.” Thankfully, the counselor agreed that was likely the issue and pushed aside the thought of abuse. I am always aware of that in the back of my head. The Zen Master is not her biological father and he is kinda odd and people can jump to conclusions pretty easily.  I trust him implicitly and honestly, even if I didn’t, he’s never alone with her long enough for anything to ever happen. He gets all skeeved out if he has to fold her laundry and there are ~gasp~ bras and stuff in there and he respects her privacy way more than I do… Anyway… All that to say… My kiddo is fucking up and I don’t know why.

And I want a cigarette.

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