An open letter to Orville Redenbacher

Dear Mr. Redenbacher,

May I call you Orville? It’s such an odd name, my fingers are twitching for the opportunity to use it. Orville, Orville, Orville, Orville, Orville… Sorry. I kinda went off into my own little world there.

Like manna from heaven

Like manna from heaven

Let me start off the actual letter part of my letter by saying, I am a huge fan. I have to say, it’s not solely your products, I am partial to some of your competitor’s products as well. But you do make some pretty damn nifty popcorn.  I enjoy delicious popcorn as a satisfying snack when watch TV with my husband, The Zen Master, or even just toodling around the house on a Saturday afternoon. It’s crunchy and easy to prepare and can be dressed so many different ways. There are a gazillion microwave varieties but I have to say, I prefer to make mine from the kernel, in a big pot on the stove top. It requires a bit more patience and vigilance, but there is something so satisfying about listening to 1/4 cup of hard, dry little kernels exploding into a whole pot full of delicious goodness.  Cabot Cheese makes this cheese shaker thingy especially for you and your competitors. You pop the popcorn (honestly, I love even saying that… it’s so… exuberant) then drizzle a little melted butter (or, if you’re watching your cholesterol, olive oil) on it and then shake the cheese to your heart’s content. Crap. I totally just drooled on my keyboard. The result is real cheese popcorn, not the stuff from the bag that looks wilted and is colored a shade of orange not actually produced outside a chemistry lab. And of course, that’s only one preparation out of thousands. Kettle corn? Nuff said.

This is how my guts look now. Except more visceral. (funny right?)

This is how my guts look now. Except more visceral. (funny right?)

Here’s the thing…

 I’m going to have to respectfully withdraw myself from your customer base. As much as I adore hot popcorn with butter and salt and garlic powder… Dammit! More drool! It does not, under any circumstances, with any kind of topping, adore me. You see, about 5 years ago, I had a type of weight loss surgery called a Duodenal Switch. I am very happy with my decision, I’ve lost over 200lbs and kept (most of) it off. The thing about the DS (which is how I shall refer to this surgery henceforth), is that my digestive system is… Odd. I have about 75cm of small intestine that actually absorbs the food I eat. This makes for great weight loss. It also makes for other issues. Since I no longer digest certain foods the way a normal person does. I tend to have a lot of problems with white flour. Gluten=Gas. And if I eat too much fat, the bathroom situation becomes… Let’s just say, unpleasant.

Since popcorn is a gluten-free food, I have long thought the problems I’d experienced after eating it were related to some other thing I ate. Apparently not.

~ppppppppfffffffftt~

~ppppppppfffffffftt~

For some reason, when I eat popcorn, within 10-15 minutes, my abdomen bloats up like a nervous pufferfish. And it hurts. Bad. I’m left curled up on the bed with my ass in the air, hoping, since gas moves up easier than down, that it will travel my intestinal highway with haste and give me some relief (although my family would not be so lucky). I’ve actually briefly pondered poking myself with a knitting needle to let the air escape that way, it hurts that bad. And the toppings I favor don’t help either. The amount of butter I put on my popcorn would make a cardiologist faint. Since I only absorb 20% of the fat that I eat, I tend not to worry about such things. Put your thinking cap on… If I absorb only 20% of the fat I eat, and I eat a large bowl of popcorn with 4Tbl (yes, that’s tablespoons, not teaspoons) of melted butter, then approximately 3.2Tbl of the butter goes… Yes. Gross right? Uncomfortable too. And I’m embarrassed to say, there have been times in the past such overindulgence has later necessitated a wardrobe change. And a pair of undies in the trash. Because there’s really no coming back from that.

 Was that a complete overshare? My apologies, I seem to be prone to that.

So anyway… What I’m saying… I’ll miss you. Terribly. I will never again watch a movie without wistfully remembering the good times, when popcorn didn’t mercilessly tear up my insides like I’d swallowed Freddy Kreuger. Oh my. That sounded dirty.

I appreciate your hard work. Keep up the deliciousness, even though I can no longer partake!

 

~sigh~

~sigh~

 

Advertisements

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Holy SPAM! | newlifeinvermont

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: