On the precipice…

I’ve been feeling generally shitty for a little while now. I was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong, everything seems to be going fairly well. Princess Punk is actually doing pretty good on her new behavior plan. The Peach is sleeping in her own bed 60-70% of the time. Pain I was dealing with for so long is now virtually resolved, I’m still lacking some range of motion, but overall, healing nicely. The Zen Master and I are a few weeks away from our 3rd anniversary and I love him now more than ever, as he loves me. Our financial situation is even slightly less shitty right now, despite The Zen Master losing more than a week of pay because of his burns. I have come to the realization that I’m not so thrilled about my job anymore (which I do plan to post about later), but I really don’t think that’s the cause of the funk I’m currently experiencing.

So, the question is of course, what is the cause?

The answer?

There is none.

The unfortunate reality of bipolar disorder is, sometimes, it just fucks you up for no reason at all. I probably should have seen this coming a bit sooner. I obviously felt it, but I just didn’t put 2 + 2 together. I have been randomly crying at stupid stuff, irritable with my family, morose and “emotionally claustrophobic.” I’ve been hiding from most social interaction and feeling simultaneously apathetic and guilty about crap I need to do, both at work and at home. I’m getting stuff done, mostly because the guilt wins out over the apathy. And I don’t want to get fired. But I’m definitely not my best. Which evokes even more feelings of anger and disappointment in myself.

We spent the weekend at My Parents’ since they went to Montreal and I don’t want their grumpy old dog in my house near my baby. At their house, I can separate him from the rest of us without causing him annoyance that would lead to him say, peeing on my bed. And I was kind of looking forward to it, because their house is very nice and they have cable and a huge bathtub and a nice gas grill for burgers and a kitchen I love to cook in. And I got all those things. But I just didn’t… I didn’t care. I took 2 baths in that lovely tub but got annoyed (at what, I’m not sure) and each bath lasted about 10 minutes. I was grouchy and yelled (and, I’m ashamed to say, screamed a few times) and bitched at everyone, including my sweet little Peach (although she was being a righteous pain in the ass). And I brought everybody else down too. And then I got annoyed because I “wanted some nice, quality, family time and everyone was being all pissy.”

And now I’m irritated with myself because I’m whining.

I haven’t been to therapy in over 4 months. My therapist actually suffered a series of aneurysms in Feb and is unlikely to be back for 9months to a year. From now. And I was okay and now I’m really not and now, I’m not really willing or able to go through the trial of selecting and vetting and starting treatment all over again with a new therapist. She would have seen this for what it is when it started.

I didn’t go to work yesterday. I am hoping, if I try to allow myself a little bit of time off here and there and not push myself when I’m really feeling like I can’t do it, I might just be able to ride this out without plunging headfirst over the cliff. Just hang on to the edge and wait.

Because this too shall pass.

Even though it sucks right now.


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