Whoa… Heehee

I found the vodka.

Bad.

I think, right now… I’m wayyyyyy past tipsy.

I’m… I’m fucking drunk.

I haven’t had anything to drink in a few weeks. Not since “The Incident.” Since My Mom moved in with us, we The Zen Master hid any booze in the house. Ergo… No drinky-drink for Mrs. Newlife.

I found the vodka. I drank some. I drank a lot.

Everything is fucked up.

My Mom filed for divorce yesterday. After 36 years of marriage. 42 years together. Splitsville. Done.

This has all been one huge, giant, colossal clusterfuck.

I don’t feel like I have a Daddy anymore. If he happens to come up in conversation, I am completely unable to actually refer to him as anything other “Him.”

I still can’t even comprehend what is going on right now. I thought it would be better if I stopped feeling so numb, but… No. The feeling is slowly coming back, creeping in, like pins and needles after your feet fall asleep from sitting on the toilet too long. Oh… Just me? Ok… Pins and needles after your feet fall asleep from sitting cross-legged for too long. Better? Anyway. So the feeling is creeping back and…

It hurts.

Heart aching, head pounding, breath catching pain.

I lost my Daddy. Gone. I don’t think I will ever think of him that way again. Father? Yeah, okay. I’m sure I’ll get back to that at some point. But Daddy? No. Gone.

And every time that harsh, raw, razor-sharp reality hits me, I cry. And maybe I just completely lose my shit, just for a minute.

And then I take a deep, shaky, painful breath.

And I keep on going.

But right now? Right now, even though I know I have to get up in 5 hours and go to work, right now…

Right now, I’m drunk. And I’m laying in bed with the solid comfort of The Zen Master pressed against me.

And I think, I’m gonna let myself just cry for awhile.

Because I think that I need to do that.

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