Signs of True Motherhood

After yet another disgusting breakfast moment with The Peach, I sat back and thought about some of the signs and symptoms that really prove that you are a Capital-M MOM. Since I love lists so much, I thought I’d share mine with you… Lucky. You.

  1. Your tolerance for gross is not only high, but expected. No less than 5 minutes ago, The Peach decided that she was full. Mid-mouthful of omelet and toast. Without even thinking about it, I calmly stuck out my hand in order to catch the partially-chewed egg/toast/butter/cheese concoction to prevent it falling on the floor. And then fed it to Fairy Dog. I don’t exactly know why I didn’t just let it fall, since Fairy Dog would have cleaned it up anyway, but there you go… Mom.
  2. Your first reaction to the sound of a crash/thump/bang is to cross your fingers and wait for the scream. Then go apply kisses and clean up the mess.
  3. The bathroom becomes a place of refuge. Unless you forget to lock the door.
  4. If you do forget to lock the door, the small person that inevitably invades your most private moments is not shooed, but is instead met with, “Mommy peepee in the potty!”
  5. Sweets are hidden and eaten behind lock and key, because you just don’t want to share. (side note… This is protection from The Zen Master as well)
  6. Spousal desire (aka… horniness) only happens at 4am. Because your hormones know it’s the only possible time anything might happen.
  7. When your child falls, you are capable of holding your laughter until you perform a 5-second scan for blood, bruises, or limbs at odd angles.
  8. You look forward to grocery shopping… Alone.
  9. You don’t think twice about eating something that fell on the floor. As long as you brush off the dog hair first.
  10. Dinner consists of your plate, and whatever the midget didn’t eat.
  11. It is not an uncommon occurrence to find yourself standing in the middle of the living room with a baby wipe trying to remember where the fuck that sticky spot was anyway…
  12. “Don’t eat that!” and “Swallow it.” are phrases that can be applied to pretty much anything.
  13. You instinctively know where everyone’s lost crap is. But can never find your own damn car keys.
  14. It’s a good day if you can make it until dinnertime before hitting the ibuprofen.
  15. You run a tally in your head of how many times the kids pick you over your spouse. (The Zen Master is winning. By a lot.)
  16. Finding an actual matching pair of socks is better than sex. At least, better than what you remember sex was like.

Or maybe that’s just me…

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